she slips

it’s 13 october. yes, it has taken me three weeks to finally post, and it’s likely to be less than what i intended because i am feeling a bit silly over what a fangirl i am. so i’ll start with a picture. (i ought to have more of those anyway.)

monday, 21 september, 2009: this is johnny (my bff, bassist for varnish, and frontman for the amazing post adolescence) and me meeting nicky wire, the bassist (who said we had to be quick with the picture, as he didn’t have all his makeup on). yeah, we’re both failing to look cool as we meet one of our idols.

after years of not getting to see them, the best friend ever (that’s johnny) and i got to see the manic street preachers live. finally! (other folks were also there with us, but they were either just along for the ride or they are folks who just like manics as opposed to being, say, johnny and amber the squealing giddy fantards.) i’d say we both classify this as a huge life event. the manics have been, for both of us, important personally and musically. someday, you can ask him how this applies to him. for now, i’m going to talk about me. as usual.

originally, this post was a placeholder so that i couldn’t forget to write a real post. included in that original post were the following:

for now, however, i am going to try to keep my unusually-excited little self from bouncing off the planet before the show. and, can i say: eeeeeeeeeeee!

pps will get to this post. i will. but got in late and too giddy to sit still.

i’m not usually a giggling fangirl about anyone or anything. so you know the band is huge to me when even just getting a picture in front of their tour bus (i didn’t know i was going to get to meet one of the boys) had me grinning as widely as i’ve ever grinned and being ever-so-spastic. you know they are huge to me when i throw caution to the wind and don’t protect my ears and sing and scream so much that i lose my voice. yeah, huge.

so huge that i kept them as a sort of secret musical love from someone i loved after that someone had taken the piss about the other band i love as much. (though the love may have shifted so that it’s manics on top now, which makes me even happier i didn’t share them.) it felt like protecting them when i did it. which may sound silly to you, but if you’ve ever had music that kept you alive, maybe you understand.

on a personal level, the manics were just what i needed from music. they weren’t all anger or all depression or all politics or all love songs (or, rather, unrequited love songs). they were a mix. even though i’ve always been told i had a way with words, they were writing things that i was having no luck saying. especially richey (poor, lost richey; how i miss him). and i can’t tell you the times when i used their lyrics as encouragement or to remind myself that people who felt like i was feeling could make it. (poor, lost richey…almost ruined that last part for me. but i’m too sad over him to be mad about that.)

musically, they showed me that you could write about politics without sounding smug, fake, pretentious, or uselessly angry. they’re smart boys who wrote good rock songs, so i knew that you could bring in literary references and the like and not sound, again, smug or fake. not sound pretentious. still sound like a rock song. and, like many of my top bands/musicians, every song and every album didn’t sound the same. there was some variation. that really helped my belief that you ought to just write what’s in you, in terms of both lyrics and music, and not worry about whether you’re sticking to “your sound.”

i think one reason their songs continue to speak to me, even when things aren’t as broken in my life as they were (though they are definitely my answer when times feel unbearably hard) is that they talked about things that i think about every day. they talk about the state of the world, which is mainly not great. they talk a lot about honesty and deception. and since this world is so full of people who are not being themselves, either for fear of rejection or to try to get and keep love or to try to get power and money, that’s always relevant.

plus, much like amanda palmer did last fall, they reminded me of the value of being good to your fans. it would not be unreasonable for them to try to keep contact with us raving loons short. before the show, i can see wanting space to keep from spending your energy. and if you haven’t got makeup on yet, definitely wouldn’t want to stop for photos. after the show, though there’s a definite high from performing, i could see wanting to get right back to the bus to ice down shoulders (we saw nicky doing that later) and just relax (because the high fades, and then you’re exhausted). instead, they stopped to talk before and after. as you can see, nicky let us take a picture when his makeup wasn’t done. and that made a night that would already have been awesome into a night that was bloody unbelievable. seriously. i was bouncing off the walls for days.

i’m sure it will come back to bite me, but i hope i can have that sort of connection with fans. i know it’s harder, if not impossible, to safely do when you have huge crowds of fans. easier when it’s a mid-size or small venue. but if it’s manageable, i’m going to try to at least give a few minutes. to not take myself so seriously that i hide my face if it’s not fully made up (i hope the fans and press will be kind about that). to make sure that people who listen to my music know that i truly do appreciate them.

now, i need to take care of a thing or two before i get to bed. next post will either be an update on varnish and other musical projects in my life or a post with my thoughts on what artists “owe” fans and good fan etiquette. we’ll see. until then, sleep well, love hard, and turn your pain into art.

ps post title shameless stolen from johnny, whom i think is the funniest person there is.

i keep running across the concept of rest in different contexts. i’m not sure i have anything deep to say, but you’re all learning that i like to talk about it when things get thematic in my life. so i figure i’ll just start listing “rest” concepts and see where that takes us. oooo! a journey! very exciting!

rest as sleep. the body has stopped. the mind hasn’t, but it’s not consciously grinding away. ideally, it’s a sort of rest we get regularly and it lets us start anew, refreshed. i am a big fan of this sort of rest.

rest in peace. it’s something people say who don’t even believe in spirits. so i know part of it is just habit. it’s just something you say when people die. but i think even those who don’t believe in spirits really do hope that this ending has also brought an end to whatever pain or hurt the person had. for those who believe in an afterlife, i’m sure the intent varies. we hope the person who’s gone on has gone on to better. for some folks, they figure they’ve gone on to a sort of eternal lying about. to others, it’s more that they’ve left the cares of this life behind and gone on to a different set of things.

give it a rest. it’s not quite the same as “shut up,” is it? because we don’t generally mean that the person ought to shut up in general, more that it’s time to stop on a particular topic.

day of rest. in the Judeo-Christian traditions, even God took a day to stop working. that’s where the sabbath comes from. that said, surely God didn’t hole up and ignore everything that day. and those who keep a sabbath don’t just spend the whole day sitting on their bums or sleeping. at the very least, the one thing most have in common (since even within one church the ideas of what is appropriate can vary) is that adherents cease their normal labours and tasks.

r&r (rest and recreation). most people see these two things as tied together. so that getting a good rest from work doesn’t have to mean doing nothing or just sleeping (though it can). and people can come back from active holidays feeling well-rested.

naomi offers rest to ruth. for those who didn’t know, i guess this is the paragraph where you realise i’m religious. but all you religion haters can put your worries aside. no preaching here. just noting that, in the story of ruth, when naomi offers to find rest for ruth, she is talking about finding her a new husband. i just ran across this recently, and it definitely set me to pondering. you could say that the rest is from the worry that a woman then must have felt at being single and not taken care of. some of you might take a less historical perspective and just see it as a rest from the loneliness. those of you who have been in long-term relationships that you knew were going to last know there is a sort of rest that comes when you have someone that you know is going to stick around and love you and try to work through things with you. a change, in all these case, from the worries and loneliness, from the sort of work that life requires when single (even if you admit that being married is just a different kind of work).

so, in writing this out, and thinking, i have a thought. rest isn’t a state of nothingness. it’s a change. it lets us, even for a moment, step out of whatever it is that is taking our energy (good and bad things). and, by taking that step outside, we gain the energy, perspective, or will to move ahead when we step back in. we think of rest as an inactive state, but i think it’s an active state. and i think we can’t achieve true rest just by doing the same nothing all the time. i know people who have sat around for days just watching tv. nothing else. at first, sure, it was relaxing. it was rest. but then it ceases to have the helpful effect. it was time to switch up activities. to find rest by giving tv a rest, if you will. i have known people who were getting plenty of sleep, but the worries in their lives left them feeling exhausted. i’ve been there. in that case, sleep isn’t the only rest needed, though you’d still hear me say “why am i so tired? i got plenty of sleep.”

i have spent all day working hard on music, and it is work, and felt rested, whereas a few hours of “day job” can leave me wiped out.

right now, i’m looking for rest. looking for the change that lets me keep pushing forward. looking for the rest that lets me step into new problems, and out of old. i’ve been trying to find it with sleep and meditation, with quiet. i’ve been invoking the phrase my friend susan gave me, that i’m not doing nothing; i’m being still. and that has, in some ways, lifted some of the trouble. it’s given me small pieces of rest. but i can see that the rest i want and need now is a more active state.

so, i’m going to get back to seeing if there’s anything more i can do toward achieving that active state, that change. and maybe you can step aside from the rest of sitting here reading me and out into a more useful rest. heh.

(note to self: stop ending on “heh.” that is not your catchphrase.)

confession: i really have another ponder i want to post. but i promised myself that i wouldn’t let this become an all-pondering blog. i started it to talk music, and i’m going to do that. so i told myself i can write my ponder (it’s written already to be honest) once i post something off my list of musical topics. plus, i wanted to remind folks that i will happily take questions and suggestions for topics. okay, so, onto the music….

since i mentioned it a bit in my last non-pondering post, i thought i’d spend a little time talking about artist intent. it’s a topic that pops up all the time. in any class i’ve taken about any sort of art (writing, painting, drama, sculpture, architecture, etc), it is usually addressed either directly on its own or as part of the discussion about a specific work. and any time i’ve looked at fans talking about work, the discussion seems to at least touch on “what do you think they meant?”

in my senior year of high school, my ap lit class was discussing ts eliot’s “lovesong of j alfred prufrock.” i dig eliot, and this is one of my top few poems by him. there’s a line in there about daring to eat a peach. as usual, the teacher asked what we thought that meant. one of the guys said something like, “i think the poem is about a dude who was a sailor and had adventures, and now he’s just old and not sure if he even dares to eat a peach.” there was a split second of silence, and then a few of us started strangling on our laughs. the first person to recover then explained the poem as many of us understood it, explicating the symbolism and allusions, and noting that eating a peach is a euphemism for oral sex and that was very likely what was meant here. the funny thing was, the first guy had already truly enjoyed the poem without ever seeing it as anything deeper. whilst some of us couldn’t imagine enjoying it without the symbols and allusions. chances are, eliot had intent when he wrote all that.

i bring this up because, as much as it can make a work mean more when you know artist intent, it’s not necessary.

as noted in my last non-ponder, i have actually had things ruined when i learned artist intent. i mentioned music, but it’s happened multiple places. i stumble on art. i find meaning in it and connect to it. that makes the art a deeper thing for me. and then i read an article about what the artist meant and it’s so entirely not what i saw…if i’m lucky, it adds to what i saw or my brain just refuses to let that change my opinion. if i’m not lucky, the art is soured for me.

as an artist, i definitely understand the value of what i put into something. i didn’t just randomly put together pieces. i put part of myself in there. when someone else tells me what they think my stuff is about and they are entirely wrong, i try not to look too confused.

because the fact is that once it’s outside of me, once it has been seen or heard by others, there is now part of it that is theirs. the work remains mine. but their experience and interpretation, however far off it may sound to me, is valid to them. it’s their emotional experience, and i just have to let that go. especially if i write with symbols, allusions, or any sort of ambiguity, that’s bound to happen. plus, even if i write about something specific in my life, no one else has lived my life. so it is just thick of me to assume that they will apply my words in exactly the same way.

the part of me that wants to be understood struggles with this. write an essay per song and broadcast to the world! but my own experience has taught me both that there is something to be said for the ambiguity that lets everyone find their own place in a song and that there is no way you can guarantee that everyone who hears it will also have read your essay.

so find your own places in the songs. and forgive me if your places confuse me, especially if they make me grin because they are so far off mine. i don’t mean any insult by it. and i really do enjoy hearing about what the songs mean to people. i love to see what they became outside of me.

just don’t use me as your excuse when you hurt someone, shoot up a school, or other such things. i am definitely not telling you to do that. blame your parents or the tv instead, okay?

fair warning: this is long and i don’t feel like breaking it up (har har) into multiple posts.

got breaking up on the brain. whilst i’m not planning to break up with anyone just now, i have friends at points all along both sides of the breaking up spectrum. on the one side, you’ve got everything from that intuition that a breakup is coming (sometimes right, sometimes not) to signs of relationship failure to dumped and trying to pull it together. on the other side, you have everything from wondering if you ought to consider a breakup to pondering how best to achieve a breakup to blissfully done and moving on. until you either learn your concerns are baseless or you recognise that you’re better without them, none of these are awesome places to be, even when they’re leading to good.

a few years ago, there was a rash of bad breakups in my social circle. not just bad because hearts were bruised, but bad because of how it went down. sometimes it was the dumper being remarkably horrible and sometimes it was the dumpee clinging and crying in a way that didn’t change anyone’s mind, with a nice dose of breakups due to cheating to make it all feel extra icky. at that point, i made a mock quiz where one was meant to match the relationship scenario with the appropriate way to respond, whether as the dumper or the dumpee.

the fact is, even if you’re the dumpee and you feel you don’t deserve it, everyone involved can contribute to whether or not it’s an extra craptastic situation. so i thought i’d sort of ramble on about a few points here, because that’s what i do. no doubt, some of this will come back to haunt me in future breakups. though i readily acknowledge i haven’t always been a stellar example, so no need to rub my past in my face. and, for the record, this is all about romantic relationships. ending friendships or business relationships or otherwise ending your association with someone other than a partner would each have its own set of “amber guidelines.”

let’s start with reasons for breaking up. the thing is, relationships are sort of supposed to be consensual situations. unless you’ve gotten married, chances are really good that you didn’t commit to a certain amount of time with the other person. i think some things are clearly reasonable triggers for considering a breakup, like infidelity or abuse. some things are in a murky realm where you have to ask whether it’s just that you might want to put a little more work into saving something awesome or cut your losses and get out before there’s real damage done. and there’s that final group that sounds really silly when you say it out loud.

if you’ve got abuse, i’m a huge proponent of Get Out Now. i’ve rarely seen an abuser (physical, mental, emotional, or sexual) actually conquer those behaviours. if you’ve got infidelity, that’s a grey area. in amber-land, if you’re an otherwise awesome partner and you made one mistake and are truly sorry and don’t do it again, we can talk about fixing the relationship. but the instant you embark on infidelity number two, or if you aren’t worth the effort to me to work it out, you’re gone. and, in case you’re jockeying to be my next someone, you ought to know that i include emotional infidelity, cybering, sexting, and phone sex on the list of things that count as cheating. i know; i’m no fun.

in that murky set of reasons…well, it’s a case-by-case situation, isn’t it? for example, if you’re fighting all the time, is it a sign that it’s time to end or that it’s time to fix root issues and regain the happier days? seriously, i don’t even know for me. because it’s going to depend on the situation. i do know that relationships take a certain amount of work. i don’t believe that every relationship merits the same amount, though. which means we’ll find out when we get there. though, at this point, i’m not wont to get into any relationship unless i think it will merit some effort. and if i marry you, i’m up to the task, and i probably think the relationship is worth loads of effort. (other stuff that seems to fit in here is general stuff like indoor person vs outdoor person, adventure person vs tv/computer person, lots of alone time person vs minimal alone time person, purple vs green, liberal vs conservative, indoor cat vs outdoor cat, money use differences, getting on with each others’ friends and family, and…well, probably loads goes in here…) maybe you can sort out more of my mindset on this, if you’re sorting me out, by reading my previous ponder on fitting…

that leaves the silly things. but what i actually want to say is that this stuff isn’t all so easily written off in my mind. sure, you have to ask whether their inability to close a cupboard after they get out a plate is enough to outweigh the goodness you have. and, sure, it’s hard to see clearly when they’re actually a good person (so much easier when they’re obviously just damaged goods). and, sure, that they’re fun to fool around with makes it even harder to see clearly. plus, you don’t want to be one of those shallow people or one of those people looking for (impossible) perfection. but! some of this stuff is going to make you crazy every day or every time you see them. and you’re not going to get used to it. and eventually, you are going to want to shove sharp things in your eyes. it may be annoying or a case of not fitting (again, see my previous ponder on fitting). but maybe they need to be free for someone who isn’t going to go mental over that little thing. (i’d share a personal example, but if the person ever read this and felt bad, i’d be mortified.) from the dumpee side of this, honestly, if all you see when you look at me is that silly little thing, i might be better off with someone else anyway.

(note: if you dump me over a silly thing, i will likely say something like, “you’re dumping me over that?!?!” because it’s a silly thing. but that doesn’t mean, in the grand scheme, that i won’t eventually realise i’m better off without the partner who just saw me as that one silly thing.)

in summary: not every reason is actually a good one. but even if you’re leaving me over a stupid one, even if i derisively note said stupid reason to friends for days to come, it doesn’t mean that you should have stuck around.

before we talk about the dumping and the being dumped, i’d like to pause a moment to talk about other people. because i know only a few people who go through either side of the spectrum without involving other people. we go to our friends to say, “ack. i’m getting the paranoia. i think i’m going to get dumped.” or to say, “i’m thinking of dumping them. am i crazy?” and then we keep going to them for advice all through, until we finally go to them for comfort and/or to go out with once it’s done. i have just a few thoughts on other people, in case you want to know how i roll

remember that friends and family who love you more than your partner will remember the negative things you said about your partner, even if you stay together. for this reason, i try to stick to just talking to my top friend or two, because they’re the kind of people who won’t let that cause drama or cause them to be rude later.

involving other people is likely to lead to drama. drama sucks. i don’t want it, and if you want it, i don’t want you. sorry. another reason to keep it to just a tight friend or two who won’t be drama-prone. because sometimes a tiny issue can get turned into a huge one with the drama, and then you’ve thrown out a perfectly good something over nothing.

whilst i’m a very introspective girl and very good at being honest with myself, the other benefit of my top couple non-drama-prone friends is that they are outside. they aren’t blinded by being too close to the situation (or not as close as i am). they aren’t blinded by the way my knees buckle when we kiss. their emotions are not so tied up. so, even if i want to think it all out myself, i think it’s a good bet to go to them, especially if they have a real handle on my relationship history, and tell them what i think. not only are they people with whom i can be honest, even if it makes me sound bad, but they will be honest with me. which means that they will listen, question, and then either support or tell me i’m being stupid.

if you’re one of the other people, it’s a dicey situation. we all know that if you are honest about what you dislike about the partner, that can come back to bite you if the friend stays with said partner. i know i have held my tongue before, though i prefer not to. if you are one of my other people, there’s no need to constantly harangue me (but i know you won’t), but be honest. i think i’ve shown that i never hold it against you. and the person you’re offering criticisms of never finds out.

no matter what they say, though, i have to remember that, in the end, it’s on me. i have to own the choice i make. i have to live with the consequences of staying or going. so they can advise, but it’s still up to me and my responsibility.

and, finally…unless we are talking about an actual abuse situation where there is fear of bodily harm, try not to bring other people along for the breakup. you need a ride because you want to do it face-to-face? your ride needs to stay in the car or go into another shop. you realise it has to happen now and you want to call and break up that way, but you’re with a friend? go into another room or send them into the hallway or out to grab a snack. really need them there so that you have the courage to do it? you better make sure they’re going to keep their mouths shut and be compassionate toward all parties. but if they’re there to watch the show, to add some attitude, or because you’re doing a quick dumping before you head out for drinks with them…seriously, they can go wait at the bar.

now, how to dump…i know some people think the only acceptable way is face-to-face. i totally understand, as i used to think this way myself. for these folks, that’s a sign of respect and of owning your actions and the hurt you’re causing. but i’m not one of those people anymore. dumping me via text or email or voicemail, via a friend or on the maury show, by throwing my things on the lawn or writing rude things on my car with lipstick? not cool. any breakup done with nastiness or destruction or done in a public place when you could have let me get the hurt privately isn’t cool. though i will allow for things like email if you’re overseas. and i used to allow for that if you just lived long distance before mobile phones made calls cheap. especially since the bulk of our relationship would have been in email and chats anyway, so that was just the way the relationship went. but even if you’re overseas, you can now use free online voice chat options to at least make it a call.

because, in amberland, there are now two mainly acceptable ways to end a romantic relationship with me. the old face-to-face is fine. i do prefer it not happen in a public place, in case you make me cry. (and, yes, even if you’re very nice about it, i might cry. because i might still like you and it always hurts not to be liked back.) though, if you’re worried, i’ve proven to be pretty good at waiting until the dumper leaves to cry. as long as they don’t hang out for more than a few minutes. i might get a bit misty and choked sounding, but i probably won’t sob in front of you. honestly, there may be other hurt i feel you need to own, and you ought to be aware you’re going to hurt me. but you don’t need to own or manage my heartbreak. if we aren’t a good fit, however much it hurts me to learn that, you’re doing us both a favour (and doing a favour to whomever our better fits are) by ending things. if you weren’t mean about breaking up, the most i think you owe me is honesty. you can even just say, “i’m sorry, but i don’t feel like we’re a good fit.” i might want to know more, and if there are reasons beyond just not being a good fit it would be nice of you to calmly tell me, but that would be enough. especially now that i like me, because i’m not going to need to go home and search myself for flaws.

if you feel like i need to know my damage and you can communicate it in a non-mean way, maybe you can send me a letter. but this sort of thing usually just comes off wrong and doesn’t help anyone. might even make you look like a jerk.

the other acceptable way is by phone. yes, i’m serious. as the dumper, this means that, in case i go into an unreasonable “but why? but why?” spasm or get mean on you or start sobbing or doing something uncharacteristically sad like begging and pleading, you can say (though i may not hear it over my mania), “i’m going to hang up now. you take care.” and then you hang up and go on with life. i am not prone to those things, but just in case…

as the dumpee, oh, i love the phone. because i don’t want you to see me cry. i’d rather process that pain privately. feel like i’ve kept some dignity. not let you see my makeup get messed up. it also means that your tempting hot body isn’t there, putting my brain into the mixed signal land of “want!” versus “ouch!” seriously, call me. now, if you are going to ring my mobile to dump me, there’s an extra something you need to do. you need to ask what i’m up to, because if i’m out or at work, not okay. you can just say you were thinking of me (true) and ask me to call you as soon as i am home and can talk. sure, that might make me suspicious. but when i ask what’s up, you’re totally okay to say we’ll talk later and that you need to go. yes, i’ll be tortured, but i’ll appreciate it later. you can even go so far as to say that we need to talk and, when i ask, to say, yeah, it might be unpleasant. but if i badger you into saying it right away, then it’s my fault for badgering. (okay, actually, if i am at home, in my car alone, or with one of my best friends, you’re probably good to just do it then.)

for both dumper and dumpee, though i understand if you have some choice words when you’re leaving a cheat, an abuser, or someone who has actually treated you poorly, we’re all going to feel better about this if people try to keep it civil. you don’t have to pretend you want to stay friends. you don’t have to hold the dumpee or tell the dumper that this is fabulous. but nasty remarks, meanness, attempts at guilt, drama…that all does no good and just makes it uglier for everyone. as a special note to the dumpee, rarely does anything good come of you begging and pleading and guilting them into staying. if you have to do that to keep them, chances are you’re better off without. really.

plus, if there is an actual hope of staying friends after (which can only happen if you both want it and can both behave), you aren’t going to want to smear the situation with ugly, are you? (that goes for both of you.)

okay, so you’re broken up. just a few thoughts on post-breakup behaviour and then i’ll shut up for now.

it is not cool to destroy their things that you have. it is cool to arrange a quick contact really soon to return things. it is cool to keep that contact super short and simple. you can even be wordless and just hand over the box or bag. really. if you can’t keep it civil, this is an okay time to send a friend. but make it the friend who will be civil and won’t use this as a chance to say nasty things, okay? and return their stuff in its current condition. no petty breaking, secretly dropping it in toilets, or whatever.

it is not cool to make out extra hard with your new partner in public just to hurt them. if it’s been years and you see someone who hurt you and you want them to see you’re just fine, thanks…okay. but when it’s all fresh, just be breezy and normal. if you dumped them recently, they are already hurt. no need for more. if you got dumped, they will know what you’re doing and it will look sad. instead, just look hot and happy and normal.

it is cool to turn the hurt into art, especially if it doesn’t come across as petty. for me, this means you can’t tell the song is about you. heh.

it is cool to give the other person space. you don’t have to avoid hangouts, unless you can’t be nice. but you don’t have to wander over to say hullo or sit where you can stare at them the whole time.

i’m sure i had more to say, but it’s a friday night. time for me to go and enjoy. because who knows how long it is until i break up with you or you dump me, right? ha!

with history now briefly covered, and a few pondering posts to test out how i like pondering on here, it’s time to get back to music as a current topic. kind of.

as many have learned, i’m not really planning to explain my lyrics to anyone. i can’t tell you the number of times jason has asked, as we work a song, “what’s this one about?” only to have me shrug and say, “what do you think it’s about? all that matters is that the music fits it.” there’s only one person i’d make exceptions for, and that’s because i know he won’t tell anyone at all and because he’s got every bit of my trust. and, you know, that’s probably not you. sorry.

why won’t i tell you what the songs mean? well, there are a number of reasons. for one, not everyone who hears a song will have the luxury of reading or hearing an explanation from me. that song needs to stand on its own, without extra words. also, i can’t tell you the number of songs that were totally meaningful to me, that i made completely valid analyses of, that were then soured when i heard what the writer meant. okay, fine, to the writer that song is about something entirely different, but there’s no need to rob me of the emotional connection i had with the song for my own reasons. additionally, i don’t want people who might have influenced a song to either see it as an attack or as an ego builder. that’s not why i write. and, finally, as you’ll read, most come from too complex a place to really sum up.

but i can tell you where lyrics come from. and, unlike when you learned where babies come from, i don’t care if you tell your little sister. in fact, please, do tell her.

the lyrics come a few ways. most just sort of fall out of me and onto the paper, quickly. i feel really blessed that it works that way. every so often, something falls out in pieces. i try not to force it when it goes like that. try to just meditate on what’s at the root. the few times i’ve forced it, the lyrics have been shoddy and needed rewriting. so, better to get it right the first time.

but at the root, no matter how they come out, is always a mental collage. and the collage isn’t built by effort or always around a clear theme. it’s a mix of memories, of story ideas, of possible futures and missed pasts, of smells and sights and emotions, of other people’s experiences, of individual words or phrases that feel good on my tongue and rolling across my brain. sometimes, there’s almost a physical sensation or two that comes along with it. it’s usually something of a chaotic mess, really.

if the lyrics just fall out, the mess seems to settle into something i can look at and benefit from once i’m finished writing. until then, it’s almost like the whole mass of the thing is pushing the words out.

if the lyrics come slowly, the mass starts settling as i regard it. i write what comes easily, and then i sort of let the whole thing shift a bit. i close my eyes and just watch it. sometimes i poke at it. i ask it, “what’s this piece doing here? it’s totally unlike the others.” and as pieces fall together, the words fall out of me.

even in a situation where i could probably say, “this song is about this person / this event / this theme / this emotion,” there’s always something more going on. that thing has drifted through my heart and my mind and other bits of what’s inside of me have caught onto it. so that even if i told you and tried to explain, there’d still be some line or verse that wasn’t quite that thing. but, hopefully, that still fits.

of course, a close friend recently noted that a lot of my songs seem to be written before their time. that they are all clearly about things that happened after i wrote them. and when i tried to protest, some pretty uncanny things were pointed out to me. but i think i’m going to chalk that up to the fact that time isn’t linear; we just see it that way through our limited brains. which means that i’ve got endless years of images to throw into those collages. so i don’t expect to understand word-by-word either. and maybe that’s the real reason i can’t explain myself. heh.