Circles...

Circles

Updated for 2010, since the last while has brought out new facets of me and a different view of you.

This is a rough view of the circles into which people fall in my mind. It includes notes from a long and navel-gazing LiveJournal post, as well as from an IM conversation wherein I explained some of my thoughts on dating and significant others. This is a lot of text...I'll try to fix the ugliness of that when I get around to a re-design someday...

Once, a friend was hugely offended that I had this clear a picture in my mind and was willing to commit it to paper when he asked about how I saw people. I don't intend offense; i just know myself and am willing to own up to my thoughts. I don't like to treat relationships casually, so that prompts me to be thoughtful about them.

A plethora of notes on the representation and my approach to relationships and such follows the picture. Vanity prompts me to believe that some of you will actually find it worth reading. Heh.

About the Diagram

This isn't painstakingly to scale; just assume the circles get smaller and have fewer members as they get closer to the center point.
Each circle is a spectrum. Think of it as more of a long journey inward through a city with many walls (though the trip out can be express) instead of a bullseye where each ring is just one plain point value.
Assume that the closer in the circles are, the more demanding the "criteria" to make it.
The category outside of circles (Mis-Step), is certainly not in any sort of scale. It is actually a smaller category than Stranger, but it gives you the sense that people there are outside my walled city...

About the Categories

Me - I like me. I am the centre of my universe. If I don't take care of me, who will?
Kith (aka chosen family) - best of my friends. Now that I have a best friend, he's the one at the centre with me. But all my kith are the most trusted, most loved. Highest level of emotional intimacy. If you are not one of my kith and you mess with or hurt someone who is, you have made a horrible mistake.
Friend - I use this word more seriously than the general population seems to. This is more than just someone to have laughs and be social with. I want serious trust and emotional intimacy in addition to the fun and socialising.
Family - I love my family and I am lucky to have some good people related to me. But I didn't choose them. So this isn't to say family can't be just as close in as kith or friends, but it's a bit of a reminder that blood doesn't give anyone the right to assume.
Ally - When most people talk about friends, they kind of have their friends they trust more but that aren't still good enough to be ranked as one of my friends. That's what allies are for. You're fun and I pretty much trust you, but there's a limit and I know it.
Acquaintance - Seems a lot of this overlaps with what most people would call friends...At the inner edge of this group, you're fun to socialise with but I probably don't really know you well enough to trust you or have just decided that you don't merit real trust from me but you're not a bad person. At the outer edge, you're someone I know who doesn't annoy me.
Stranger - Oh, yes, strangers rank above some other groups. After all, they have neither proved themselves worth like nor worth disdain. Some strangers, however, can find themselves in the next category rather quickly...
Annoyance - Whether or not I know you, if you annoy me, you get far less good will than a non-annoying stranger....In good news, I'm less easily annoyed overall these days.
Mis-Step - I had to think a while for the title of this group. This is the one that's most changed of late. See, I don't do "hate." Hate is an emotion that takes a lot of energy. If you inspire that sort of reaction in me, I either probably love you a lot or you just need to be set outside my circles. The people I can think of in here have likely violated my trust, hurt my loved ones, and such. I probably still have compassion for them, am willing to be cordial to them, but they've lot my trust and I can't see any benefit in engaging in their lives or their dramas again.

Random Notes about "relationships" and "Relationships" with Me

If you're my significant other, you have at least friend status and I sure hope you're moving your way up in the groups. But you oughtn't assume....To ever end up a spouse, you'd have to be kith first. Just in case some of you have goals. Ha!
That we kiss does not mean we are dating. It can mean that. But it can also just mean we are two people having a kiss. Friends hanging out and snogging. Unless it's stated that we are dating, don't presume. Do feel free to ask, though. It won't freak me out.
Dating is not the same as you being my significant other. You will know if I am your girlfriend because it will be something clearly stated. This also means that you oughtn't presume I know you think we are in an exclusive romantic relationship. I don't ever assume that. Again, one of us will have to start that conversation (which could be as short as two sentences) for me to be your girlfriend.
I know that some of you do polyamory or open relationships. I have nothing against you, but that's just not for me. So, if you're thinking you'd like to date me but you already have a girlfriend or boyfriend, it's just not something I'm up for.
Dating does not indicate a promise to someday have an exclusive relationship, but there's a good chance it means I'm considering it.
I have never had a "normal" friendship. Nothing that follows the patterns that others around me seem to follow. So don't stress about us building any relationship to be normal. I think that, since any relationship involves two people who are unique humans, every relationship ought to be uniquely built to what works for the people involved. (This applies to friends and romantic partners.) Let's just sort it out and be who we are as whatever it is we are and not worry about what anyone else has done or thinks.
It is not necessary for us to agree about everything for you to be close to me. Even my kith now have opinions and beliefs that I so very much do not share. So if you think us not agreeing on things (yes, even big things like spirituality, ethics, politics, philosophy) means we can't get on, that's a choice you're making.
Another odd segment in my life is the band or people with whom I make music. There is, for me, an emotional connection that comes when I make music with someone. That's why you might find yourself bumping up against unexpected priorities when it comes to music.
Some of you are aiming for a top spot in my life. I know. It's just because I'm so awesome. Ha! How to get there? Well, there are a couple ways. The normal way is to spend time and build a relationship, like "normal" people seem to do. On the other hand, sometimes I meet someone or have a moment with someone, and everything in me feels (like a physical sensation) a connection. It sets or resets where you fall in my circles. It doesn't make sense, but I'm not worried about justifying it. Of course, it also happens that sometimes I meet someone and get a negative intuitive response. And that's it. Any time I have ignored that, there's been trouble. And whilst we're talking negatively....You find yourself moving down and out by committing the cardinal sins in the next set of bullets...
Cardinal sins bump you down. I mean, you can do dumb things that aren't here and inch your way out, but these are the big ones. You can do one of these and find yourself punted down a level or more. Sometimes, you end up on an express trip from close to my centre to outside the city walls. What are these cardinal sins?
- Dishonesty. Lie to me or about me. Dishonesty destroys trust. Pleasant lie vs hard truth? I'd take the red pill, thanks. Even "white" lies and "sweet talk" make me cranky, and I go out of my way to avoid lying myself. For the record, patronising me is borderline dishonesty. Don't do it.
- Betray my trust. If you can't sort out how not to break trust, we have an issue to start with. Beyond lies, this can include sharing my confidences with others, cheating on me, snooping through my things, manipulation...
- Stealing from me. I think that goes with the previous two. But I'm pointing it out because apparently some people think taking little things is fun. Things, ideas, whatever. If it's not yours, don't you walk out the door without asking, no matter your motivation. I can think of only one person who could do that, and that's because I have a sincere "what's mine is yours" feeling for that person (and they know it, so there's no need to wonder if you're that person).
- You don't have to like all the people I like, but don't you dare hurt the people I care about. Especially my kith. If you do that or know you're going to do that, be ready to explain yourself to me...I know sometimes you can't help it (e.g. breaking a heart when you don't return interest).
Because it can affect things...Listen, I know that I have high standards and can be high maintenance. However! I am pretty much self-maintaining. I don't expect you to take care of me, but I do expect you not to get in the way of me taking care of me. (Though if you want to be a friend or more, we ought to have a desire to take care of each other on some level. I think that's a normal instinct when you care about people...)

What I Told Him About Me and Relationships

This is an excerpt from a conversation with one of my best mates about some of my "philosophy" on Relationships. Because I feel like sharing (and I can then point people here instead of having to say it again). I've made some edits and will continue to edit as my thoughts change. Because that's what a site like this is for.

I don't do committed long distance relationships anymore. If someone wanted to have a relationship with me, we'd need to be able to see each other really regularly so that I could get my touch. Touch is quite important in relationships.

Someone who is in love with me, but not able to be in a relationship with me, not wanting to hear about the "plus" of any of my friendships is totally reasonable. I don't love to hear that sort of thing myself these days. But if someone were mine and it was a committed thing, I would not at all stand for either of us having anything with another person that is more than they'd have with family. Of course, my family is pretty affectionate, so my lines there are possibly a bit off as well (which is why I'm open to a partner questioning what I do). That's just the physical aspect of it. With the emotional....

I am completely understanding when PJ Harvey says "You can love her and still love me." I can be truly and deeply in love with more than one person at a time. When I have been in relationships, my heart has thrown itself at other people. But I was taken, so I chose not to follow my heart away from my partner. I don't think that being madly deeply in love with one person turns off your ability to love or lust after others. I just think you choose to be with and stay with the person you chose. Because I never choose to fall in love; it just happens. So I don't think you can hold that against a person or punish them for the feeling. It's what they do in response to the feeling. You can be mad in love with someone else, but you just choose how you will react to that. It won't change your heart, mind. But as long as you don't treat them like someone you're mad in love with, because that treatment belongs to the person you are in a committed relationship with...So you can hang out and be friends, but nothing more...

(Note: That said, I can think of plenty of times where a person's heart throwing themselves at someone other than their partner was a message from their subconscious. Sometimes, you are missing the fact that you have a better option. So I'm not advocating blindly clinging, especially if the relationship you are in isn't all you want or isn't healthy.)

And you can follow the previous pre-note paragraph with "Unless you are polyamorous." Which I don't do. I do "dating multiple people" or "having multiple friends plus" or "exclusive relationship," but not polyamory. Of course, I also think that what one does until such time as there is an exclusive relationship is not the other person's business for the most part, as long as they know that you aren't exclusive and that such a relationship does not exist until both parties agree. No assuming, which has caused trouble in the past. Unless you're sexually active, in which case your partners might reasonably rate some minor information, but I haven't put much thought into that given I'd only have sex with a person if I'm married to them (so there aren't other partners).

I believe in really following your intuition, and then remembering every day that you chose that person. Though it's more important in marriage (in my perspective), where you have made a lifelong or longer commitment. In dating, in the boyfriend or girlfriend scenario, there is always breaking up. But even then, you have to keep an eye on whether you are having a "grass is greener" moment. Especially once you get past the first 2-3 months, because that is when your brain stops pumping the happy chemicals and you are suddenly on your own, no chemicals, with that person, having to work things out. That's another reason I don't do long distance. It seems that the period of chemical supply is elongated in such cases, probably due to the romantic nature of pining away....and then the instant you get near each other, after all that buildup, you are on the 2-3 month chemical clock. I tend not to allow an official relationship to start until after 2-ish months of being giddy (though that clock starts early, sometimes, if I have an intuitive "yes, I belong with you" moment before there is any obvious romantic interaction). Not only does that let us get past the chemicals without making it likely that I'll dump the person, but it also gives the person time to consider the reality of a relationship with someone who does not put out. I find that the latter tends to keep most people at "friends plus" at most. I know there is the risk of "missing the boat," but I also think that if a person won't wait 2-3 months for me, during which they will certainly get attention and affection, maybe I am not worth enough to them. And I have to wonder if they will manage to work through the harder troubles that come up in the course of a long-term relationship.

Granted, when I was in my teens and early 20s, I didn't see it that way. But my relationship history (ah, you lovely heartbreakers, cheats, stalkers, etc) may be why I am "quirky" and cautious (even if some things might make people think I'm not cautious enough). But that's normal, I think. Hurrah for evolution!

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