1.0Amber Bird | Bloghttps://www.amberbird.com/blogamberhttps://www.amberbird.com/blog/author/admin/rich600338<blockquote class="wp-embedded-content" data-secret="brmBfRwPUb"><a href="https://www.amberbird.com/blog/2015/08/16/not-ashamed-suicidal/">Not Ashamed: Suicidal</a></blockquote><iframe sandbox="allow-scripts" security="restricted" src="https://www.amberbird.com/blog/2015/08/16/not-ashamed-suicidal/embed/#?secret=brmBfRwPUb" width="600" height="338" title="“Not Ashamed: Suicidal” — Amber Bird | Blog" data-secret="brmBfRwPUb" frameborder="0" marginwidth="0" marginheight="0" scrolling="no" class="wp-embedded-content"></iframe><script> /*! This file is auto-generated */ !function(d,l){"use strict";l.querySelector&&d.addEventListener&&"undefined"!=typeof URL&&(d.wp=d.wp||{},d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage||(d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage=function(e){var t=e.data;if((t||t.secret||t.message||t.value)&&!/[^a-zA-Z0-9]/.test(t.secret)){for(var s,r,n,a=l.querySelectorAll('iframe[data-secret="'+t.secret+'"]'),o=l.querySelectorAll('blockquote[data-secret="'+t.secret+'"]'),c=new RegExp("^https?:$","i"),i=0;i<o.length;i++)o[i].style.display="none";for(i=0;i<a.length;i++)s=a[i],e.source===s.contentWindow&&(s.removeAttribute("style"),"height"===t.message?(1e3<(r=parseInt(t.value,10))?r=1e3:~~r<200&&(r=200),s.height=r):"link"===t.message&&(r=new URL(s.getAttribute("src")),n=new URL(t.value),c.test(n.protocol))&&n.host===r.host&&l.activeElement===s&&(d.top.location.href=t.value))}},d.addEventListener("message",d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage,!1),l.addEventListener("DOMContentLoaded",function(){for(var e,t,s=l.querySelectorAll("iframe.wp-embedded-content"),r=0;r<s.length;r++)(t=(e=s[r]).getAttribute("data-secret"))||(t=Math.random().toString(36).substring(2,12),e.src+="#?secret="+t,e.setAttribute("data-secret",t)),e.contentWindow.postMessage({message:"ready",secret:t},"*")},!1)))}(window,document); //# sourceURL=https://www.amberbird.com/blog/wp-includes/js/wp-embed.min.js </script> If you haven’t already, please read the introduction post. That will give you context for this page. (Trigger warning: suicide, depression) This one…I’m going to keep it short. I can’t see any good that would come of me describing in great detail what I felt like when I was suicidal. I will just say that it’s not the same as feeling self-harm urges. For me, it was always an emotional and mental state that was despairing beyond anything I could believe existed when I wasn’t in the middle of feeling them. And it wasn’t just a brief moment. It would settle in…last long enough for me to decide that literally nothing could compensate for continuing to feel that way…and then long enough for me to purposefully consider and plan how I would do it. This was not the same as the moments I was emotionally overwhelmed and sobbingly asserted that I could not go on. And it could happen during times you might think I had everything to live for and no reason to want to die. The motivating emotion is not, at least for me, rational. I also can’t see what good would come of describing the ways I […]https://www.amberbird.com/blog/wp-content/uploads/2021/08/AmberBird_fromPF_portraitSQ.jpg13241324