{"version":"1.0","provider_name":"Amber Bird | Blog","provider_url":"https:\/\/www.amberbird.com\/blog","author_name":"amber","author_url":"https:\/\/www.amberbird.com\/blog\/author\/admin\/","title":"Not Ashamed: Self-Hater - Amber Bird | Blog","type":"rich","width":600,"height":338,"html":"<blockquote class=\"wp-embedded-content\" data-secret=\"qPMMTLhE8O\"><a href=\"https:\/\/www.amberbird.com\/blog\/2015\/05\/24\/not-ashamed-self-hater\/\">Not Ashamed: Self-Hater<\/a><\/blockquote><iframe sandbox=\"allow-scripts\" security=\"restricted\" src=\"https:\/\/www.amberbird.com\/blog\/2015\/05\/24\/not-ashamed-self-hater\/embed\/#?secret=qPMMTLhE8O\" width=\"600\" height=\"338\" title=\"&#8220;Not Ashamed: Self-Hater&#8221; &#8212; Amber Bird | Blog\" data-secret=\"qPMMTLhE8O\" frameborder=\"0\" marginwidth=\"0\" marginheight=\"0\" scrolling=\"no\" class=\"wp-embedded-content\"><\/iframe><script>\n\/*! This file is auto-generated *\/\n!function(d,l){\"use strict\";l.querySelector&&d.addEventListener&&\"undefined\"!=typeof URL&&(d.wp=d.wp||{},d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage||(d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage=function(e){var t=e.data;if((t||t.secret||t.message||t.value)&&!\/[^a-zA-Z0-9]\/.test(t.secret)){for(var s,r,n,a=l.querySelectorAll('iframe[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),o=l.querySelectorAll('blockquote[data-secret=\"'+t.secret+'\"]'),c=new RegExp(\"^https?:$\",\"i\"),i=0;i<o.length;i++)o[i].style.display=\"none\";for(i=0;i<a.length;i++)s=a[i],e.source===s.contentWindow&&(s.removeAttribute(\"style\"),\"height\"===t.message?(1e3<(r=parseInt(t.value,10))?r=1e3:~~r<200&&(r=200),s.height=r):\"link\"===t.message&&(r=new URL(s.getAttribute(\"src\")),n=new URL(t.value),c.test(n.protocol))&&n.host===r.host&&l.activeElement===s&&(d.top.location.href=t.value))}},d.addEventListener(\"message\",d.wp.receiveEmbedMessage,!1),l.addEventListener(\"DOMContentLoaded\",function(){for(var e,t,s=l.querySelectorAll(\"iframe.wp-embedded-content\"),r=0;r<s.length;r++)(t=(e=s[r]).getAttribute(\"data-secret\"))||(t=Math.random().toString(36).substring(2,12),e.src+=\"#?secret=\"+t,e.setAttribute(\"data-secret\",t)),e.contentWindow.postMessage({message:\"ready\",secret:t},\"*\")},!1)))}(window,document);\n\/\/# sourceURL=https:\/\/www.amberbird.com\/blog\/wp-includes\/js\/wp-embed.min.js\n<\/script>\n","description":"If you haven\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t already, please read the introduction post. That will give you context for this page. This one will be short, because: I don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t want to dwell on this and feel bad. I have touched on it in other posts, and am likely to do so in future posts. For much of my life, starting around age 11, I was a self-hater. Full on irrational loathing (that I thought was totally rational). Unable to admit to anything good about me even if there was proof more substantial than just my mum saying nice things. For example, I just knew I was stupid&#8230;never mind that I got good marks in school and was part of assorted academic competition teams. I would entertain a bit of smug satisfaction when, for instance, I got my grades. But that would somehow be swallowed by the howling storm of self-loathing within minutes. And every time I said good things about myself out loud all through my teen years, I was, in my opinion, lying. (And then I felt bad for lying&#8230;) What I saw in the mirror and what I saw inside me was&#8230;worthless, rubbish, unlovable, unworthy of love, and so on and so [&hellip;]","thumbnail_url":"https:\/\/www.amberbird.com\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2021\/08\/AmberBird_fromPF_portraitSQ.jpg","thumbnail_width":1324,"thumbnail_height":1324}