{"id":371,"date":"2015-03-22T13:10:33","date_gmt":"2015-03-22T20:10:33","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.amberbird.com\/blog\/?p=371"},"modified":"2016-05-17T18:33:03","modified_gmt":"2016-05-18T01:33:03","slug":"not-ashamed-sexual-assault","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.amberbird.com\/blog\/2015\/03\/22\/not-ashamed-sexual-assault\/","title":{"rendered":"Not Ashamed: Sexual Assault"},"content":{"rendered":"

If you haven\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t already, please read the introduction post<\/a>. That will give you context for this page.<\/p>\n

(Trigger warning: sexual violence)<\/strong><\/p>\n

Before I say the things that keep crowding my brain, causing me to write a topic out of order again (and there\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s a second topic close behind, so I guarantee we\u00e2\u20ac\u2122ll continue to be out of order), there are a few things I wanted to make clear.<\/p>\n

    \n
  1. In my list of labels, I called this \u00e2\u20ac\u0153victimised by a sexual predator.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d I chose that phrase very carefully to put the blame where it belongs and to make it clear that I don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t think of myself, in general, as a victim. Yes, in this context, I was the victim of the act, but I am not a victim<\/em>. I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122m a strong, capable person who has had some crap things happen to them.<\/li>\n
  2. I won\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t be describing anything about what happened. And, no matter who you are, I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122m not interested in talking about it. I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122ve gotten professional help. I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122m okay. There\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s no possible positive outcome for me to talking about it. (And, no, adults and friends who care about me, you carry no blame and you couldn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t have done anything. Please, don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t beat yourself up, don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t wonder, don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t ask.)<\/li>\n
  3. Terms! Let\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s make sure those are definite. I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122m just going to paste some definitions here. I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122m grabbing them from Wikipedia, because, in this case, they\u00e2\u20ac\u2122re a good starting point.\n
      \n
    1. Sexual assault<\/em> is any involuntary sexual act in which a person is coerced or physically forced to engage against their will, or any non-consensual sexual touching of a person. Sexual assault is a form of sexual violence, and it includes rape (such as forced vaginal, anal or oral penetration or drug facilitated sexual assault), groping, forced kissing, child sexual abuse, or the torture of the person in a sexual manner.<\/li>\n
    2. Sexual violence<\/em> is any sexual act or attempt to obtain a sexual act by violence or coercion, unwanted sexual comments or advances, acts to traffic a person or acts directed against a person’s sexuality, regardless of the relationship to the victim. It occurs in times of peace and armed conflict situations, is widespread and is considered to be one of the most traumatic, pervasive, and most common human rights violations.<\/li>\n<\/ol>\n<\/li>\n<\/ol>\n

      Even though what happened to me falls under the narrower umbrella of sexual assault, what I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122m going to say here is applicable, in my opinion, to all sexual violence.<\/p>\n

      I have, more than once, been in a room with people who quietly and timidly \u00e2\u20ac\u0153confessed\u00e2\u20ac\u009d they\u00e2\u20ac\u2122d been the victim of sexual violence. I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122ve seen them carry shame (and I carried it for a while for my own case) that wasn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t theirs to carry. I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122ve seen how the shame and the unaddressed trauma from what happened has had long-reaching, negative impacts for years and years. I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122ve seen how that shame is so heavy that those who speak up are considered brave.<\/p>\n

      And, yes, if you \u00e2\u20ac\u0153confess\u00e2\u20ac\u009d that you\u00e2\u20ac\u2122ve been a victim, that is brave. But! \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Confess\u00e2\u20ac\u009d carries some connotations that only deepen the sense that you have a reason to carry shame. And I hate that for you. I don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t want you to carry shame, because, and this is important, that shame belongs to the person(s) who victimised you<\/em>. And, that\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s the main thing I want to communicate here. (That and how great it was for me to get help. Thanks to the help, I feel no shame. Which is why, for me, this isn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t an act of bravery. I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122m stating something about me and I am not ashamed.)<\/p>\n

      So, please let me make this very clear:<\/p>\n

      Whether you are male or female, it was not your fault. (Seriously, I have had too many male friends who were just wrecked by having been the object of sexual violence. It might be rarer to happen to a male, but it\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s just as legitimate and no more their fault when it does.)<\/p>\n

      Whether they were male or female, it was not your fault. (Yes, even if you are a male and the person who took the actions was a female. Or if you\u00e2\u20ac\u2122re a female and another female pressed you, not just some big male. It is still not your fault.)<\/p>\n

      Whether you were sober or under the influence of drink or drugs, it was not your fault.<\/p>\n

      No matter what you were wearing, it was not your fault.<\/p>\n

      No matter if you\u00e2\u20ac\u2122d previously been sexually involved with them, they are wrong and it was not your fault.<\/p>\n

      If you said \u00e2\u20ac\u0153no\u00e2\u20ac\u009d initially and were then pressured into letting things happen, it was not your fault. (Or if you were too scared to say \u00e2\u20ac\u0153no\u00e2\u20ac\u009d and were just frozen and silent when it happened.)<\/p>\n

      If you were wearing nothing and walking through a dark alley in the \u00e2\u20ac\u0153wrong\u00e2\u20ac\u009d neighbourhood, whilst not the wisest choice, it\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s still not your fault. Someone else still chose<\/em> to do what they did and they<\/em> bear the blame.<\/p>\n

      You don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t have to have had a certain amount of things happen or have a story that seems as harrowing as someone else\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s story to justify how horrible you feel. (For instance, if you got molested, your feelings are no less legitimate than those of someone who got raped. If it happened once, your feelings are no less legitimate than someone to whom things have happened more than once.)<\/p>\n

      If, as happens in trauma, your brain can\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t seem to keep the story straight but something happened, you are still, legitimately a victim.<\/p>\n

      If you did not willingly and happily consent, it wasn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t okay. It isn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t your fault. The shame is not yours. They are the ones who should feel shame. And you don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t have to let them get away with it, you don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t have to be quiet.<\/p>\n

      But, if you don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t feel safe speaking up, it\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s still their fault. I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122m not under any delusion that speaking up is easy to do. I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122d just like to ask you to at least find some kind of safe stranger or anonymous help line to talk to…You don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t have to keep feeling horrible. I don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t want you, no matter who you are\u00e2\u20ac\u201deven if you\u00e2\u20ac\u2122re someone who\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s been horrible to me, to carry these feelings and this shame. This isn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t your shame. This is their shame. And it\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s also the sort of quiet shame that creeps up on us because of the way things about sexual violence are communicated in most cultures.<\/p>\n

      Here\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s a nice little chart I got from the Huffington Post to help you decide whether your experience was \u00e2\u20ac\u0153valid.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n

      \"\"<\/a><\/p>\n

      And if you\u00e2\u20ac\u2122re reading this and you think that any sort of non-consensual sexual activity is okay…YOU ARE WRONG. If the person you want said, \u00e2\u20ac\u0153no,\u00e2\u20ac\u009d that means NO. It doesn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t mean \u00e2\u20ac\u0153please pressure me\u00e2\u20ac\u009d or \u00e2\u20ac\u0153please get me drunk\u00e2\u20ac\u009d or \u00e2\u20ac\u0153please wait until I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122m passed out.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d If you are following someone around, if you are shouting out at women on the street, if you are doing anything for which the object of your attention has expressed anything but enthusiastic consent…YOU ARE WRONG.<\/p>\n

      If your friends do those things and you don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t call them out (unless you\u00e2\u20ac\u2122re afraid of physical harm, in which case…why are you friends?), you are allowing rape culture to continue. Studies have shown that this lets your friends (or co-workers or drunk bloke beside you at the bar) think that you feel and act like them, which causes them to believe it\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s acceptable. So, as in other spheres, your silence is like consent.<\/p>\n

      It\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s not a comfortable or pleasant topic. Even those committing these wrong acts don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t like to talk about this topic because, unless their moral compass is entirely non-existent, something in them knows they\u00e2\u20ac\u2122re doing wrong…which causes them to get uncomfortable and defensive and lash out.<\/p>\n

      And if you\u00e2\u20ac\u2122re thinking, Yes, Amber, everyone knows this<\/em>, well…clearly not everyone knows it and not everyone is taking action on it, are they? Or we wouldn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t have to keep making posts, having conversations, and so forth. Listen, I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122ll make you a promise: if this sort of horrible thing stops, I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122ll not write about it again (except maybe from an historical perspective to talk about how we accomplished such a great thing).<\/p>\n

      Honestly, I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122d be happy to write that historical perspective. Until I can, I hope all those who\u00e2\u20ac\u2122ve been victimised will get the sort of help that lets them feel as healed as I do. Stay safe, and try to leave the shame where it belongs.<\/p>\n

      Cross-posted<\/a> to the Not Ashamed section of my site (so that it\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s all tidy)<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

      If you haven\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t already, please read the introduction post. That will give you context for this page. (Trigger warning: sexual violence) Before I say the things that keep crowding my brain, causing me to write a topic out of order again (and there\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s a second topic close behind, so I guarantee we\u00e2\u20ac\u2122ll continue to be out of order), there are a few things I wanted to make clear. In my list of labels, I called this \u00e2\u20ac\u0153victimised by a sexual predator.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d I chose that phrase very carefully to put the blame where it belongs and to make it clear that I don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t think of myself, in general, as a victim. Yes, in this context, I was the victim of the act, but I am not a victim. I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122m a strong, capable person who has had some crap things happen to them. I won\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t be describing anything about what happened. And, no matter who you are, I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122m not interested in talking about it. I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122ve gotten professional help. I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122m okay. There\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s no possible positive outcome for me to talking about it. (And, no, adults and friends who care about me, you carry no blame and you couldn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t have done anything. Please, don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[13],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-371","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-not-ashamed"],"yoast_head":"\nNot Ashamed: Sexual Assault - Amber Bird | Blog<\/title>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/www.amberbird.com\/blog\/2015\/03\/22\/not-ashamed-sexual-assault\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"Not Ashamed: Sexual Assault - Amber Bird | Blog\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:description\" content=\"If you haven\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t already, please read the introduction post. That will give you context for this page. (Trigger warning: sexual violence) Before I say the things that keep crowding my brain, causing me to write a topic out of order again (and there\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s a second topic close behind, so I guarantee we\u00e2\u20ac\u2122ll continue to be out of order), there are a few things I wanted to make clear. In my list of labels, I called this \u00e2\u20ac\u0153victimised by a sexual predator.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d I chose that phrase very carefully to put the blame where it belongs and to make it clear that I don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t think of myself, in general, as a victim. Yes, in this context, I was the victim of the act, but I am not a victim. I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122m a strong, capable person who has had some crap things happen to them. I won\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t be describing anything about what happened. And, no matter who you are, I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122m not interested in talking about it. I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122ve gotten professional help. I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122m okay. There\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s no possible positive outcome for me to talking about it. (And, no, adults and friends who care about me, you carry no blame and you couldn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t have done anything. 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I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122m okay. There\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s no possible positive outcome for me to talking about it. (And, no, adults and friends who care about me, you carry no blame and you couldn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t have done anything. 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