{"id":467,"date":"2015-07-12T14:56:47","date_gmt":"2015-07-12T21:56:47","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.amberbird.com\/blog\/?p=467"},"modified":"2016-05-17T18:23:42","modified_gmt":"2016-05-18T01:23:42","slug":"not-ashamed-reclusive","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.amberbird.com\/blog\/2015\/07\/12\/not-ashamed-reclusive\/","title":{"rendered":"Not Ashamed: Reclusive"},"content":{"rendered":"

If you haven\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t already, please read the introduction post<\/a>. That will give you context for this page.<\/p>\n

\n

This one dovetails nicely with last week\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s post on being an introvert. My reclusive nature is similar (there\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s overlap), but it\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s not quite the same thing.<\/p>\n

Last month, I was talking with an older, mothering sort of friend. I said something about being a hermit, and she got a little upset with me. There are a lot of connotations that spring into mind with that word, and none of them, to a casual eye, apply to me. I tried to convince her to let me call myself reclusive, because they\u00e2\u20ac\u2122re pretty much the same thing. She didn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t like that much either for similar reasons.<\/p>\n

When you see me, I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122m not dirty or unkempt. I don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t have twigs in my hair. I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122m not afraid of you or gibbering madly. I know how to be polite and hold up my end of a conversation. My home isn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t a little hut in the forest. Etc etc etc.<\/p>\n

\"Matthias<\/a><\/p>\n

So a lot of people think I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122m joking or speaking really<\/em> hyperbolically when I say I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122m reclusive or that I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122m an urban hermit. Look at me on stage! Look at me chatting with some stranger at a bar! Look at me managing the food shopping without breaking down in fear! (If they can\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t believe I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122m an introvert, they definitely can\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t believe that I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122m reclusive. That\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s a step further.)<\/p>\n

The thing is there\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s nothing in either the definition of \u00e2\u20ac\u0153reclusive\u00e2\u20ac\u009d or \u00e2\u20ac\u0153hermit\u00e2\u20ac\u009d that requires me to be afraid (or dirty or gibbering or living in a hut). Nope. In fact, in examining myself, I don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t even think I have any real social anxiety. I mean, maybe; I might be deluding myself. But I have plenty of friends who struggle with social anxiety, and close enough friends that they\u00e2\u20ac\u2122ve described it to me, and I don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t think I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122m having the same experience as they are.<\/p>\n

For me, it\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s kind of like you asking me, \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Amber, would you like vanilla or chocolate ice cream?\u00e2\u20ac\u009d and I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122m really not hungry for vanilla, so I shrug and say, \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Chocolate, please.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d No big deal. And, sure, I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122ll usually choose chocolate. But it\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s not because I fear vanilla. There are even some times I enjoy a little vanilla.<\/p>\n

\u00e2\u20ac\u0153Amber, would you like to leave the flat today?\u00e2\u20ac\u009d I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122m not afraid of it. And, sure, there are times I enjoy seeing family or friends. But, mostly, I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122ll just shrug and say, \u00e2\u20ac\u0153No, thanks.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n

Now, my reclusiveness is certainly at least partly there to satisfy the introvert<\/a> need for time alone and the autistic<\/a> appreciation for being apart so that I can prevent sensory overload. But it\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s not a burden for me. I really, truly, madly, deeply love solitude. I need<\/em> hours of it daily. Even from the person I love most in the whole world. (Need. I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122ve tried going without and it doesn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t end well.)<\/p>\n

I know I touched on this last week, but I want to be clear here that there is a part of this that isn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t motivated by needing to recharge or by needing to cut down on stimulus. There is a part of this that\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s a deep hunger of solitude. For days or weeks of no in-person contact with other humans.<\/p>\n

There was a day I was having a mad craving for Thai food. My cravings can be ridiculously strong. And there\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s a really tasty place nearby that I can get to in under 5 minutes. Or that can deliver to me. Massive craving and kind of busy and all I had to do was interact with a delivery person (I can order online) and I just shrugged and thought, \u00e2\u20ac\u0153No, thanks.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d My craving was mad at me, but the thing deep in me that strongly prefers solitude was just beaming with contentment.<\/p>\n

For those who worry, no, I never neglect myself. Beyond the occasional craving denied. I never go hungry, I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122ve never risked a job or messed up a gig, and I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122ve never let the cat go hungry or missed a vet appointment. I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122ve left the house to do kind things for others. I even drag myself out in the middle of the night sometimes to catch a film that I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122d really rather see at the cinema instead of on my TV.<\/p>\n

I live in a city. On purpose. I love being near the things I want. Especially with this fortress of solitude into which I can retreat within minutes of being done.<\/p>\n

And I honestly don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t mean to confuse anyone. Nor do I like how often people think I must be lying about being reclusive in order to spare their feelings. If I were going to lie about myself or my motivations, I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122d make up better stories.<\/p>\n

\"Fake<\/a><\/p>\n

Societies are, by nature, social. So, of course, my desire to stay tucked away in my cosy flat is seen as a shameful desire. Especially this part of it that I can\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t even blame on a validated thing like introversion or autism. And I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122m flattered by those who, in trying to shame me out of being myself, demand to know what right I have to deny people the awesomeness of my company. Hey, I hear you; it must be hellish to live without me as your constant companion.<\/p>\n

But I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122m not ashamed.<\/p>\n

And, someday, when it turns out that what I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122ve put out into the world instead of a lot of social nights is albums and books and blogs and some killer live shows, I will feel like I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122ve put more than enough of myself outside of this flat. If it weren\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t for my love of solitude, I couldn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t do the work to create those albums and books and blogs…I suspect I wouldn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t even have enough sense of myself and my emotional space to put on shows that are half so authentic.<\/p>\n

I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122m not the first or the last reclusive artist. It\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s a fine tradition. No shame here.<\/p>\n

Cross-posted<\/a> to the Not Ashamed section of my site (so that it\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s all tidy).<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

If you haven\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t already, please read the introduction post. That will give you context for this page. This one dovetails nicely with last week\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s post on being an introvert. My reclusive nature is similar (there\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s overlap), but it\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s not quite the same thing. Last month, I was talking with an older, mothering sort of friend. I said something about being a hermit, and she got a little upset with me. There are a lot of connotations that spring into mind with that word, and none of them, to a casual eye, apply to me. I tried to convince her to let me call myself reclusive, because they\u00e2\u20ac\u2122re pretty much the same thing. She didn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t like that much either for similar reasons. When you see me, I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122m not dirty or unkempt. I don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t have twigs in my hair. I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122m not afraid of you or gibbering madly. I know how to be polite and hold up my end of a conversation. My home isn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t a little hut in the forest. Etc etc etc. So a lot of people think I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122m joking or speaking really hyperbolically when I say I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122m reclusive or that I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122m an urban hermit. Look at me on stage! Look […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[11,13,9],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-467","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-artists-life","category-not-ashamed","category-relationships"],"yoast_head":"\nNot Ashamed: Reclusive - Amber Bird | Blog<\/title>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/www.amberbird.com\/blog\/2015\/07\/12\/not-ashamed-reclusive\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"Not Ashamed: Reclusive - Amber Bird | Blog\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:description\" content=\"If you haven\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t already, please read the introduction post. That will give you context for this page. This one dovetails nicely with last week\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s post on being an introvert. My reclusive nature is similar (there\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s overlap), but it\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s not quite the same thing. Last month, I was talking with an older, mothering sort of friend. I said something about being a hermit, and she got a little upset with me. There are a lot of connotations that spring into mind with that word, and none of them, to a casual eye, apply to me. I tried to convince her to let me call myself reclusive, because they\u00e2\u20ac\u2122re pretty much the same thing. She didn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t like that much either for similar reasons. When you see me, I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122m not dirty or unkempt. I don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t have twigs in my hair. I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122m not afraid of you or gibbering madly. I know how to be polite and hold up my end of a conversation. My home isn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t a little hut in the forest. 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Etc etc etc. So a lot of people think I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122m joking or speaking really hyperbolically when I say I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122m reclusive or that I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122m an urban hermit. Look at me on stage! 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