{"id":473,"date":"2015-07-19T14:43:30","date_gmt":"2015-07-19T21:43:30","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.amberbird.com\/blog\/?p=473"},"modified":"2016-05-17T18:22:34","modified_gmt":"2016-05-18T01:22:34","slug":"not-ashamed-very-selective-in-my-friendships","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.amberbird.com\/blog\/2015\/07\/19\/not-ashamed-very-selective-in-my-friendships\/","title":{"rendered":"Not Ashamed: Very Selective in My Friendships"},"content":{"rendered":"

If you haven\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t already, please read the introduction post<\/a>. That will give you context for this page.<\/p>\n

\n

I suppose this ties into the last two weeks\u00e2\u20ac\u2122 posts. I mean, maybe this is because I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122m an introvert and I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122m reclusive.<\/p>\n

When I was younger, I scrambled for friendships. I think that I did it because society taught me that having loads of friends was normal and a measure of just how well I was doing in life. I think that I did it because I thought that enough friends would prove (to others and to myself) that I had worth. I think that I did it because I was afraid of what I might find if I were alone with myself.<\/p>\n

But I…I want to say I outgrew that, but I don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t want to imply that there was anything wrong with wanting loads of friends. In fact, I think it probably is normal to want that. That the majority of people, for at least part of their lives, want that. I don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t look down on people for wanting it.<\/p>\n

But as I grew to really like myself and not be afraid to be alone with me. As I spent time alone with me and found that I really, really loved being alone. As I learned that \u00e2\u20ac\u0153normal\u00e2\u20ac\u009d didn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t necessarily mean \u00e2\u20ac\u0153better\u00e2\u20ac\u009d or \u00e2\u20ac\u0153best for everyone.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d As I had some really incredible friends who helped me see that that<\/em> was the level of friendship I wanted if I were going to put aside the art I was making or the beauty of solitude and give time and attention to other people. As that all happened, I grew into a self who had rather high standards for friendship.<\/p>\n

Now, I understand that what I consider my bottom line for friendship is higher than what others consider that line. I know what you probably mean when you call someone a friend. And I don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t judge you for that. What right is it of mine to judge? Friendships are personal things, aren\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t they?<\/p>\n

And I use the word \u00e2\u20ac\u0153friend\u00e2\u20ac\u009d the way that you do when I talk to you, because I don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t see the value in having to preface every use with an explanation and with, I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122ve learned from experience, trying to help you not feel hurt that, whilst I like you as much as people that you like and call \u00e2\u20ac\u0153friend,\u00e2\u20ac\u009d I don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t use that word the same way and…Yeah, it gets a bit much.<\/p>\n

\"I<\/a>
I might not agree with all his thoughts, but Michel de Montaigne groks my kind of friendship <\/em><3 (Not that I don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t also enjoy my acquaintances and familiar relationships…)<\/em><\/figcaption><\/figure>\n

It\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s been very clearly communicated to me, by people who I do<\/em> consider friends, who meet my unusually strict and odd standards, that I ought to be ashamed of myself for having such high standards. (Or even for knowing clearly when people fall in my concentric circles of relationships<\/a>.) They claim it means I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122m unfriendly and cold and…Well, you get the point.<\/p>\n

As with some of the other topics about which I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122ve written, I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122m sorry, sincerely, if this one hurts your feelings. And I couldn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t tell you precisely why my brain has a very different picture for \u00e2\u20ac\u0153friend\u00e2\u20ac\u009d than yours does. (Mine probably looks more like what you consider your best friends.) Maybe I actually took to heart those idealised descriptions of what friends are in programmes, films, and books.<\/p>\n

But you\u00e2\u20ac\u2122ll see that I still treat you kindly; I don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t automatically treat people who aren\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t my friends poorly. And I can still enjoy your company. And I won\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t correct you if you call us \u00e2\u20ac\u0153friends.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d (Not unless I feel like what you are to me is less than what typical people would consider a friend. And, even then, I don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t correct to be mean. I believe in being honest and that knowing where we stand with each other is the best for both of us.)<\/p>\n

Anyway, in case you can\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t tell from this post or what section of the site it\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s in, I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122m not ashamed. Even if I didn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t have a different bar, I wouldn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t be ashamed. I don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t say this about everything on my Not Ashamed list, but: I believe we\u00e2\u20ac\u2122d all profit from being very selective about our friends. We should all have only friends who are truly well-intentioned when it comes to us. Who set aside their jealousy to celebrate our victories. Who kindly, and without turning it into gossip fodder or finding some perverse satisfaction in it, hold each other in defeats. Who can be trusted with our vulnerable parts and our secrets. (And, let\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s be honest, I have trust issues, so it\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s not necessarily an insult if you don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t get my trust.)<\/p>\n

Everybody ought to feel loved and supported by their friends. If your friends make you feel uneasy or attacked or unsupported, maybe you ought to join me in being very selective.<\/p>\n

And, like me, don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t be ashamed of that. It\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s better to be selective, to walk alone if you must, until you find those who deserve your goodness.<\/p>\n

(One more note: I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122m sure the world has many great people who could<\/em> be my good friends. But I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122m also sure that finding and being friends with all of them would lead me to neglect my arts and the sanity that comes to me from solitude. I don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t feel like I \u00e2\u20ac\u0153gotta catch \u00e2\u20ac\u02dcem all.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d And no shame if you can\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t catch me, even if you are super awesome and we are well-suited. I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122m actually a difficult friend. No, really. Have you read the other posts here? I might adore you madly and think of you constantly, but that won\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t be enough to get me to find nearly as much time for you as most people seem to want. Consider this so-called shameful quirk of mine your saving.)<\/p>\n

Now, go out and be selective! You deserve it.<\/p>\n

Cross-posted<\/a> to the Not Ashamed section of my site (so that it\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s all tidy).<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

If you haven\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t already, please read the introduction post. That will give you context for this page. I suppose this ties into the last two weeks\u00e2\u20ac\u2122 posts. I mean, maybe this is because I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122m an introvert and I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122m reclusive. When I was younger, I scrambled for friendships. I think that I did it because society taught me that having loads of friends was normal and a measure of just how well I was doing in life. I think that I did it because I thought that enough friends would prove (to others and to myself) that I had worth. I think that I did it because I was afraid of what I might find if I were alone with myself. But I…I want to say I outgrew that, but I don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t want to imply that there was anything wrong with wanting loads of friends. In fact, I think it probably is normal to want that. That the majority of people, for at least part of their lives, want that. I don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t look down on people for wanting it. But as I grew to really like myself and not be afraid to be alone with me. As I spent time alone […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[11,13,9],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-473","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-artists-life","category-not-ashamed","category-relationships"],"yoast_head":"\nNot Ashamed: Very Selective in My Friendships - Amber Bird | Blog<\/title>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/www.amberbird.com\/blog\/2015\/07\/19\/not-ashamed-very-selective-in-my-friendships\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"Not Ashamed: Very Selective in My Friendships - Amber Bird | Blog\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:description\" content=\"If you haven\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t already, please read the introduction post. 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