{"id":495,"date":"2015-08-16T13:59:09","date_gmt":"2015-08-16T20:59:09","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.amberbird.com\/blog\/?p=495"},"modified":"2016-05-17T18:20:47","modified_gmt":"2016-05-18T01:20:47","slug":"not-ashamed-suicidal","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.amberbird.com\/blog\/2015\/08\/16\/not-ashamed-suicidal\/","title":{"rendered":"Not Ashamed: Suicidal"},"content":{"rendered":"<p>If you haven\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t already, please read the <a href=\"https:\/\/www.amberbird.com\/na\/na-intro.php\">introduction post<\/a>. That will give you context for this page.<\/p>\n<hr width=\"50%\" \/>\n<p><strong>(Trigger warning: suicide, depression)<\/strong><\/p>\n<p>This one&#8230;I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122m going to keep it short.<\/p>\n<p>I can\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t see any good that would come of me describing in great detail what I felt like when I was suicidal. I will just say that it\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s not the same as feeling self-harm urges. For me, it was always an emotional and mental state that was despairing beyond anything I could believe existed when I wasn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t in the middle of feeling them. And it wasn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t just a brief moment. It would settle in&#8230;last long enough for me to decide that literally nothing could compensate for continuing to feel that way&#8230;and then long enough for me to purposefully consider and plan how I would do it.<\/p>\n<p>This was not the same as the moments I was emotionally overwhelmed and sobbingly asserted that I could not go on.<\/p>\n<p>And it could happen during times you might think I had everything to live for and no reason to want to die. The motivating emotion is not, at least for me, rational.<\/p>\n<p>I also can\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t see what good would come of describing the ways I planned to do it. I don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t want to put ideas in anyone\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s heads. But the uniting theme between them all was that I wanted to spare anyone having to clean up much mess.<\/p>\n<p>I did want to give my opinion about the assertion that suicide is selfish. I wish I could find the rather eloquent essay someone else wrote on the topic, because I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122ve struggled with getting this bit just right. So, I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122m settling for this: When someone you love is in the level of exquisite pain that would cause them to consider suicide, you\u00e2\u20ac\u2122re the one who looks a right selfish twat when you self-righteously preach to them the idea that suicide is selfish. Try a little compassion instead.<\/p>\n<p>Now, I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122m not suggesting anyone commit suicide. And I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122m pretty sure my days plotting my own are over. So, don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t fret.<\/p>\n<p>But I remember the feeling. And I remember the sense of empowerment and relief when I made my plans and saw a way out. And my disappointment with myself every time I failed to make it happen.<\/p>\n<p>I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122d love to go back in time and reassure younger-me that it was truly going to be okay with her to be alive someday&#8230;and I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122m glad those days are over, but I am not ashamed to have felt what I felt.<\/p>\n<p>I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122m proud of myself for the person I managed to be and the commitments and achievements I realised during that time, in spite of the things with which I was struggling.<\/p>\n<p>If you\u00e2\u20ac\u2122re struggling with or plagued by suicidal thoughts, please get help. At least talk to a compassionate friend and try to believe them when they give you reasons to live.<br \/>\nxxx<\/p>\n<p><a href=\"https:\/\/www.amberbird.com\/na\/na-suicidal.php\" target=\"_blank\">Cross-posted<\/a> to the Not Ashamed section of my site (so that it\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s all tidy).<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>If you haven\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t already, please read the introduction post. That will give you context for this page. (Trigger warning: suicide, depression) This one&#8230;I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122m going to keep it short. I can\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t see any good that would come of me describing in great detail what I felt like when I was suicidal. I will just say that it\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s not the same as feeling self-harm urges. For me, it was always an emotional and mental state that was despairing beyond anything I could believe existed when I wasn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t in the middle of feeling them. And it wasn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t just a brief moment. It would settle in&#8230;last long enough for me to decide that literally nothing could compensate for continuing to feel that way&#8230;and then long enough for me to purposefully consider and plan how I would do it. This was not the same as the moments I was emotionally overwhelmed and sobbingly asserted that I could not go on. And it could happen during times you might think I had everything to live for and no reason to want to die. The motivating emotion is not, at least for me, rational. I also can\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t see what good would come of describing the ways I [&hellip;]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[13],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-495","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-not-ashamed"],"yoast_head":"<!-- This site is optimized with the Yoast SEO plugin v27.7 - https:\/\/yoast.com\/product\/yoast-seo-wordpress\/ -->\n<title>Not Ashamed: Suicidal - Amber Bird | Blog<\/title>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/www.amberbird.com\/blog\/2015\/08\/16\/not-ashamed-suicidal\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"Not Ashamed: Suicidal - Amber Bird | Blog\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:description\" content=\"If you haven\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t already, please read the introduction post. 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