{"id":860,"date":"2017-09-17T14:21:50","date_gmt":"2017-09-17T21:21:50","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.amberbird.com\/blog\/?p=860"},"modified":"2017-09-17T14:21:50","modified_gmt":"2017-09-17T21:21:50","slug":"but-you-used-to","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.amberbird.com\/blog\/2017\/09\/17\/but-you-used-to\/","title":{"rendered":"But you used to…"},"content":{"rendered":"

(I know some people would say an author should keep their blog all writing-related. If you\u00e2\u20ac\u2122re one of those, skip this post.)<\/em><\/p>\n

Three years ago today, one of the lovely medical professionals at the University of Washington Adult Autism Centre confirmed that I was on the spectrum. In three years, I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122ve learned a lot, I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122ve gotten to know myself better thanks to this new self-knowledge, and I think I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122ve changed my attitude and thoughts about Autism and disabilities for the better.<\/p>\n

\"Liz<\/p>\n

Mostly, just like allistic people (aka people who aren\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t Autistic), I find that my brain wiring presents me with good stuff and challenges. And, whilst I don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t love the challenges (which come from my brain but also from society), I wouldn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t want to stop being Autistic. I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122m glad I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122m an Autistic person.<\/p>\n

As I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122ve thought what I might post to recognise today, and as I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122ve pondered maybe doing more regular, nakedly honest posts about how Autism plays out in my life (since every Autistic person is unique), there\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s one topic that\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s come to mind over and over, probably because it comes up in conversations over and over (I even occasionally post a shorter form of this on FB when there\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s been a rash of unhappiness thrown my way). A thing that, at least to me, also seems most relevant in the harmonious function of my relationships with others. It\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s also a topic that isn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t unique to my Autistic experience. I have seen it come up with all sorts of people who have life changes, especially ones related to mental or physical health or function.<\/p>\n

I don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t speak for all those other people; this post is about me. But maybe it can also help you consider a different perspective with others as well.<\/p>\n

The issue can best be summed up by the phrase most often uttered at me in regards to said issue: But you used to…<\/em><\/p>\n

Before I had a diagnosis to tell me that my brain was wired a way that wasn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t typical, I just assumed that life and interaction felt this way to everyone. I assumed (and had been told) that maybe I was \u00e2\u20ac\u0153too sensitive\u00e2\u20ac\u009d and just needed to suck it up. I, frankly, showed myself mainly strict, sometimes brutal, insistence on doing what \u00e2\u20ac\u0153normal\u00e2\u20ac\u009d people did and mostly didn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t even consider applying self-compassion. Even though I had decades of lived experience, of trying to make myself just get used to things, of failing to get used to things, I didn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t stop pushing. Even though others didn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t appear to have some of the difficulties and discomforts I have, I just kept pushing because maybe, like me, they were all hiding the same discomforts and upsets. I adjusted slightly as I learned more about what it meant to be an introvert (which I am), but only very, very slightly. Not enough.<\/p>\n

Here\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s a metaphor I like to use to explain:<\/p>\n

Let\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s say you have grown up in a home where your parents always put food on the plate for you rather than you doing it yourself. From the time you were too little to remember, they have lovingly heaped a plate with too much food and given it to you at every meal. They don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t know this is too much, and so they insist you eat every bite. You grow up assuming that eating just involves discomfort. (You know that discomfort after, say, American Thanksgiving or a really lovely Christmas dinner? Imagine you feel that after every meal, so you assume it\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s normal.)<\/p>\n

\"A<\/p>\n

You know your parents love you (and the food tastes good), and you know they\u00e2\u20ac\u2122ve got years more of lived experience than you, so you don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t have any reason to question it. This is how one must eat, and this discomfort is just a part of life. When you move out, you just keep feeding yourself those same portions. That\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s typical (aka normal), right?<\/p>\n

But then you get in a relationship, and they want to cook you a meal. When they bring you a plate, there\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s less food. You don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t want to be rude, so you just go with it. The food is good and the intentions are great and…Oh, you don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t feel discomfort after. And you also don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t feel hungry. Interesting. So, you go home and you try making those smaller portions your new normal. You start to pay attention to other people and portion sizes. You realise that, in fact, the typical feeling after a meal isn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t discomfort.<\/p>\n

Maybe you occasionally humour your parents when you go back for a visit, or you still occasionally over-eat when something is just so good you decide the consequences are worth it this time. But, overall, you honour your body\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s actual needs and capacity and, while you used to eat whole large pizzas in one sitting on your own (a thing I used to do both actually and metaphorically), you don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t do that anymore.<\/p>\n

I went with food, because many in Western societies can understand and because this assumes no ill intentions, no villains. But you can probably also do something similar relating it to the sleep dep one gets used to at certain points in life or the way some of us adjust to abusive situations. You just don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t know, or you forget, that what you\u00e2\u20ac\u2122re living and feeling isn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t actually the way it has to be, isn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t \u00e2\u20ac\u0153normal.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n

When I got my diagnosis, I went and I did some research. I stopped looking at what life was like for allistic people, what the neurotypical experience was, stopped trying to forces myself to be or to at least appear like that. I started reading about what this differently wired brain of mine might mean, what sort of experiences might be typical for the neurodivergent. I started to learn that typical people didn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t feel and react like I did in many situations, but that I was also well within typical for someone on the spectrum. I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122m Autistic, so I have a different \u00e2\u20ac\u0153appetite\u00e2\u20ac\u009d than you do. And that\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s okay.<\/p>\n

\"side-by-side<\/p>\n

I started to try to only \u00e2\u20ac\u0153feed\u00e2\u20ac\u009d myself what my brain and body could handle. And the change has been great. Far fewer meltdowns. Far fewer instances of sensory overload. Less discomfort. Less misery. And, at least for me, the things my Autistic brain excels at are now, uh, more excel-y.<\/p>\n

Some people might be thinking, \u00e2\u20ac\u0153But you didn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t ever complain before.\u00e2\u20ac\u009d<\/p>\n

You\u00e2\u20ac\u2122re right; I didn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t. Why should I when I assumed we were both pushing through these same things? Why should I when, the few times I ventured to tell people how I was feeling, I was mocked or treated unkindly? (Not by you, maybe, but also I maybe didn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t tell you because I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122d been sufficiently shamed into silence, into assuming I was just broken, before I even met you.)<\/p>\n

I also generally hesitate to mention this sort of thing because some of you find it hard not to take my changes personally. Or, if I don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t mention them in a broad and public way like this, you might wonder if I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122m only saying<\/em> this is broadly applicable to spare your feelings.<\/p>\n

The fact is:<\/p>\n