what was, what will be

i may be reading amanda palmer’s blog too much, as i’m feeling like sharing a lot. i think this is a naturally thoughtful time of year for many people. we look back on what was, we contemplate what we hope will be. and that’s where i am right now.

what a year. good and bad. i think i learned a lot. i think i changed a lot in positive ways. though i look at that change as having brought out facets of me that were always there, that i always wanted to have be my main facets. i made good music. i learned to have love and compassion for even those who are doing me the most hurt. i had priceless moments with my best friend, my family (chosen and biological), and my friends. i saw miracles. i healed relationships i didn’t know were in need. i ate great food. i grieved with loved ones in their hard times, and celebrated in their good times. i slept enough. i got a better grasp on my own needs. i did better at keeping hours that take advantage of my peak creative energy times. i played games (on the computer and on boards, never with heads or hearts). i wrote. i worried. some friends moved far away, and that had some good and some bad. others moved closer, which has been all good so far. it was a full year, not wasted.

over the last 3 years, i averaged writing lyrics for 3.5 songs per month.

to go along with the last note on 2009, i am pleased to see that jason has started the year with more music falling out of his fingers. this is good, as i need my lyric writing to cease to so ridiculously outpace the instrumentals.

when it comes to looking ahead, i don’t believe in new year’s resolution. i do believe in setting goals. somewhere in the switch between those two concepts lies action. admittedly, the last many years, my goals were all swiftly made impossible or unnecessary by life throwing me changes in the first few months of the year. if that’s what’s in store for this year, i’m keeping my mind full of ways that that could happen and be positive.

i’m not really done pondering goals yet. because a goal isn’t really set, for me, until i have also laid out a tenable course of action for achieving it. i do know that i am going to work toward monthly shows, getting our cd pressed and into “the right hands,” and making sure that the necessities of bills don’t overwhelm my efforts to move ahead with music. like i said, still pondering. i’m sure there are more things to be added, and not all about music. though they will all be things that go toward the tiny list i just wrote in a notebook of what matters, really, in my life.

however, there is one thing i am clear on. and i’m saying it here because i feel like it’s important enough that i need to make it a matter of public record. as clear as if i heard the voice of God say, “hey, amber, do this.” and who am i to argue with that?

over the last while, i have become, i think, a better person. and now it’s time for me to be mindfully engaged in moving ahead with some of that. i talked in a previous post about hope. and i hope those who have read this blog and my other blog have seen that i’m more positively-focused. so, this year, i have an official approach, theme, intent with which i am attacking the road ahead.

the fact is that i am a person full of hope. and, it appears, a positive person. i have been blessed to go beyond believing certain things to truly knowing them. so i need to act on all that. what do i know?

i know that the things i want most in life can be mine.

i know that everyone is of equal worth. it doesn’t mean i like everyone. it doesn’t mean we all have the same abilities, talents, or opportunities. but we are all of equal worth. and the amount of that worth is great. it is. and we all have great potential.

i know that even the hardest moments can deliver silver linings, hope, reasons to keep pushing ahead. that life can truly be good for anyone, just not in the same ways necessarily as they are for others.

i know that even small actions have the potential to do great good or ill, and that we deny ourselves happiness and we deny our own potential when we choose actions that we know are hurtful, manipulative, or untrue.

i know that truth really can set people free. even if it’s hard.

i know that not every easy, fun, or nice thing is right for us. and that sometimes the hardest steps or the steps we least expected we would take are the ones that lead us to better futures.

so, this year, without becoming someone who writes crap lyrics and forgets how to rock, i have a new approach to life. or, rather, i am mindfully participating in it.

it is my intent to help others, including you (yes, you), see their worth. their potential. and not settle for less than they deserve. it is my intent to bring hope and positivity to everyone, even those who hurt me most or stand in the way of what i most want. it doesn’t mean i’ll give up on what i want, but i will continue (because, fortunately, this has already been my intent) to want and, where possible, strive for what i want, without wishing harm on others. without acting with intent to harm. it is my intent to act in ways that are honest, straight-forward, and for good. (again, that’s always been my intent, but i’m recommitting to that and doing so with more of an understanding of how little things can do so much good or so much harm.)

a tall order, to be sure.
but i am sincere. i am determined.

in fact, as i heard this call strongly and deeply today, it included specifically a desire to bring hope to those doing me the most hurt. i have no idea how to do that, but it’s a desire that is truly burning in me.

it doesn’t mean i’m going to be everyone’s friend. (though i’m happy to say that i stopped hating years ago and that i never act with intent to be an enemy.)
it doesn’t mean i’m going to be a fool and forget to be careful, or let anyone get away with hurting my loved ones or be okay with you hurting each other.
it doesn’t mean i won’t write songs that let me get out the inevitable hurts, disappointment, and such that life brings.
it doesn’t mean i’ll succeed every moment.

but there it is.

a number of people called me “star” as a teenager.
and some folks have taken that up again the last few years.
and, bless my cheesy little heart, but i really do hope i can be a light in the dark.
to shine through the hurt, the lies you tell yourself, the lies others tell you, the manipulations, the doubts, the many things that cloud your sight.
that cause you to settle.
that cause you to allow others to treat you in ways other than you deserve.
the fears that hold you back from letting go, from pursuing, from holding on.

i wish i could blame this entry on drink, as i fear i’ve exposed quite a lot of myself. and maybe ruined my hardcase rockstar image. but i’m sober as can be. and now, we see if i can manage to live up to my intentions this year.

either way, i hope you know i truly mean it.
you, specifically you, are valuable.
full of potential and worth.
and i truly hope you can make the choices that let you access your best self and have your best possible life.

happy new year, lovelies.

love to you via my web cam in the last minutes of the first day of 2010