• Authentically Not Yours

    Posted on by amber Comment

    2012-05-12

    (Welcome back, lovelies. Here’s something I started on even before I had committed to a return to blogging. I’ve got a list of other topics, but feel free to ask if there’s something you want me to write about. And do visit the Varnish site for more band-centric news. Cheers!)

    I was talking recently with another artist who was hesitant to release her newest song. She knew that people would assume it was about a particular person, and that assumption could lead to significant repercussions. I empathised as we talked about her options for response.

    Option One: Deny all allegations. Personally, I’ve written some things that even those closest to me got wrong when they guessed the topic. (The subject of authorial/artistic intent is a chunky one, worthy of its own post, mind you. In this case, I’m talking about something more specific, involving an “audience” with inside information who still get it wrong.) It happens to the best of us, and I’m happy when I can deny allegations without having to lie. Honesty is ridiculously important to me, so getting to keep my integrity and avoid drama is awesome.

    Which led me to suggest to her (without asking whether or not the song actually was about the person in question), that there was another option to consider if the song was about them and she didn’t want to lie.

    Option Two: Explain an emotional dilemma of the artist. And, yes, I’m going to tell you what I mean, because I’ve been thinking about it loads since the conversation. (And, yes, I’m generalising. I know there are some artists who never have this dilemma. But I also know plenty who do. This is for us…)

    Imagine, in a moment of extreme emotion, you got a tattoo of a partner’s name…And then you sobered up or broke up, and there it was, still emblazoned on your flesh…

    I had a friend who said, “Men feel, women Feel, and artists FEEL.” Fortunately, I don’t FEEL non-stop. But when I create, it’s likely motivated by a FEELING beyond my usual sort of pleasant neutral state. And maybe it lasts for seconds or maybe for hours (or some long hurts stretch over days or more), but it doesn’t last forever. However, the lyrics that FEELING pushed out of me? Yeah, those last. And they get made into songs. And those songs get sung and recorded and played live with as much emotional authenticity as I can muster. A tattoo of that FEELING on display years after it’s over.

    Me, with Varnish in my mouth
    Oh, man, what are the FEELINGS pushing out of my mouth *this* time?

    Those FEELINGS, whilst very real in the moment (whether it was seconds or years), don’t likely represent where I am right now. Maybe the only time I think about the person or events that caused them is when I’m singing them. Maybe the songs have gained a more general emotional sense to me. To complicate it more, whether due to the intensity of the FEELING in that moment or the sense of poetic rightness using certain words, the lyrics might be hyperbolic when compared with reality. (Once, in the middle of a rotten relationship, a tuna can was left on the counter and stunk up the kitchen. Just a lousy tuna can, but the really awful “poem” I wrote about it in a heated moment would have made you think that said can was singlehandedly murdering kittens and crushing all my dreams.)

    Cat and tuna tin
    I shall avenge my brothers, and it shall be tasty!

    So whilst I sit here, not bearing any grudges or nursing any hurts…Whilst some situation I wrote about only felt like non-stop Hell in the moment I was writing (and, if that’s what I wrote, I promise the emotions you’re hearing are authentic)…You’re just now hearing it. You’re thinking you recognise the subject. You’re upset or concerned. You wonder if it was really such a horrible thing that happened to me or between us. You’re wondering if I really want to tie you to a chair and hurt you…And knowing you’ll think that might cause me, like this girl I was talking with, to hesitate. Do I dare risk it? And that, my lovelies, is a typical emotional dilemma for an artist.

    Fortunately for me, I know that it’s worth the risk. I know that I can keep my general integrity (if you do correctly guess the specific topic of a song) when I tell you there’s no need to be upset or worried. I know that I can both claim emotional integrity in my writing and tell you that I’m good now, that you and I (or whoever and I) are no longer an issue in my head and heart. I’m optimistic, grudge-free, doing okay. And that lets me put aside the fear and make (and perform) the song.

    I didn’t keep in touch, but I like to hope that the girl I was talking to released fear so she could release her song. Live on love, not fear, my pretties. And be gentle with people’s feelings, Feelings, and FEELINGS. Heh.

    xxx


    📂This entry was posted in artist's life lyrics pondering

  • Clearing the Pipes

    Posted on by amber 2 Comments

    2012-05-10

    And, I’m back! Here’s a quick catch up so that I can get to my longer, ponder-y post that’s the official “every second Saturday of the month” post in a couple days. (And, yes, that means at least a monthly post, but there might be others….like this one!) Mainly, this is to get you up-to-date on topics that have been mentioned here before, just in case you haven’t also been following things on Varnish pages and sites.

    • We released Each to Each (a sort of maxi-EP, if you will) 1 December, 2011. It’s got the 5 studio tracks, plus 3 live tracks (of lesser production quality) that I threw on. It’s only available as a digital download at this time. Much love and thanks to all involved in making it happen.
    • In order to put all his musical energy into Post Adolescence, Johnny stepped down as bassist. Yes, in fact, I am gutted. But we’re all still friends, so that’s a happy thing. Don’t want to think what life would be like without my best friend.
    • Mentioned in one of the first posts that my mum didn’t like our music. Somewhere about midway between that post and when she passed away, she told me (out of the blue) that she did, in fact, really like a couple of our songs. That was a seriously happy thing for me to hear.
    • I’m going to shift things here a bit so that the focus on this blog is more to do with me, including Varnish things specific to me. Not that I was posting loads of band business here, but I’ve got so many updates on the Varnish main site, the Facebook, and Twitter that you’ve got plenty of sources for Varnish information. And I hope you’ll join us one or more of those places, cos your support and love are huge to us.
    • I am still a big hippie, believing in love and light and the great worth of all people. Plus, organic food and treating animals well and taking care of the environment. And so forth. I’d apologise for not being rock ‘n’ roll enough, but I feel pretty good about it. Heh.

    And now, back to work. Cos taking care of my band is a full-time job!
    xxx

    ps Here is a picture of my cat. Doesn’t his cuteness make you forget (or at least forgive me for) how long it’s been since I posted here?

    Does this NY Met bag make me look cultured?


    📂This entry was posted in history news varnish

  • about time i updated, non?

    Posted on by amber Comment

    eep.
    well, looks like the best intentions i had got eaten by life. lots going on in my personal life and music, and suddenly i look and find this blog has been neglected. i am going to try to hold myself to at least a monthly post the last half the year. and you feel free to poke at me as it gets near the end of a month if i haven’t. (plus, i was reading some old entries one day whilst out and on someone else’s computer, and i must go back and fix my errors. put on my editor hat and clean things up. yeesh.)

    so, what have you missed?

    * we’ve played some shows, of course. because that’s what we do. our last was with five alarm fire, the new band of john maurer from social distortion. oh my stars. what a great night. and i feel very lucky that john and i clicked and spent most the night talking. he’s quite cool, and i urge you to check them out if five alarm fire play near you.

    * our johhny’s main band, post adolescence, had their cd release! i’m linking you to their myspace, urging you to buy a copy. if you buy it digitally, please consider using digstation, because the boys get 100% of that money. seriously, seriously proud of my best friend & bassist, and of the other boys in the band (also my friends). plus, it was produced by mark clem, whose name you might have seen mentioned as producing the varnish ep (also a friend of mine).

    * ah, the varnish ep…the silver lining of the fact that the cover art has proven ridiculously hard to make happen is that there’s still money in my savings (because it would, otherwise, have been spent to press the cd). and that’s good because it looks like my day job is about to cut my hours (maybe my job?) in the next week.

    * but that last part is only not awesome because i have bills. it *is* awesome because i have also started working on some side project stuff about which i’m very excited. it’s different from varnish, so it lets me stretch and explore. and it’s with two people i consider family (always a bonus…one thing i love about working with johnny in varnish is that he *is* my family). plus, i’m working hard to promote varnish more and really get moving. i’m going to add us to more sites. and i’ll be sincerely, deeply grateful for any efforts people make to help spread the word about us.

    * not yet sure how i’ll handle selling them if you don’t live near (probably paypal), but we got these cool, limited edition (made only 50, 4 of which go to the band) varnish dog tags. this is the mockup, not a photo of the actual thing, but it’s pretty close:

    varnish dog tag

    * there are also stickers now. if you head over to our facebook page and look at the pics from 2010-06-19, there’s a picture in there. i suspect those will make their way happily around…

    * lots in my life and in my head. and varnish are working on new material. just moving ahead as much as i can in all areas. blessed to be surrounded by good people, to have a stellar bff like johnny (and his cat), and to see myself at least clearly enough to like myself. something i wish i could help all of you do….see clearly that you are of worth….i truly believe we’d all get further in life and would treat ourselves and each other better if we knew we were of great worth. so i’m going to keep telling you that until you believe me. because i never lie….

    i appreciate the many lovely compliments that people have sent my way after shows and online. i feel truly blessed to be able to make music, and super flattered that you see my goodness. so far, i must confess, my favourite has been the following:

    “Ultra Goddess to the highest power. You know you wanna learn all you can about the divine feminine that *IS* Varnish’s Lead vocalist. You KNOW you wanna.”

    i hope you all get a chance to truly see the divine that’s in *you*
    i mean that.
    and i mean it about everyone. literally. even if you’re someone i don’t get on with or who doesn’t care for me. it doesn’t change the fact that you have that in you.

    be good to yourself.
    don’t settle.
    find beauty.
    be courageous.
    and poke me if i don’t update. because, like ms. o’connor once sang, i’m full of good intentions…

    xxx


    📂This entry was posted in inspirations & influences news varnish

  • just so you know it’s still alive

    Posted on by amber Comment

    oh my stars. it’s been two and a half months since i posted, hasn’t it?
    unless all the registered users are desperate spam-bots, there are actually some of you out there already hoping for posts.
    so here’s a quick one, full of little random bullet points (close friends are not surprised at that) to let you know this is still a living blog. it just needs a little cpr. heh.

    * cd progress: as you know, the songs are done and have been ready and mastered for months. have now had the requisite conversation with the cd pressing folks. am all ready…except for the cd art. still. but i have decided to find a way to get cd art i’m happy with (i already know what it looks like, but just need to have it created) asap. in spite of the unchanged status of the obstacles in the way. and i’m a determined girly. yah!

    * my new motto (which i came up with on my very own — go me! — and hope the band will also take as a motto) is “make music, not excuses.” feel free to use it. just remember where it came from and buy the t-shirts when i make them. hehehe

    * why is my most spammed post on here the one called “best friend (lyrics hint)”? seriously. i get a few huge spam “comments” on it daily. and only infrequently on a few others…and this is why i don’t talk about what lyrics mean. it must be a sign. haha!

    * speaking of best friend….in this case, my actual best friend (who is not the topic of that song, in case you missed the post), who is also my bassist…i’m just pleased as punch that his main band (post adolescence) have finished recording their album and will be releasing it in the next couple months. and it’s amazing stuff (thanks to the fact they started with hot material, and then used the same killer producer we used). you know i’ll be saying more here when it’s out and ready for you to consume.

    * as far as playing live goes…we’ve managed one a month for february and march, will have two this month (one tomorrow, in case you’re in the area, at the blue moon), and have one lined up for may. already working on june and months beyond. a number of factors (local “blackout” periods where venues don’t want you to play within 2 weeks of playing for them, other bands our folks are in, and so forth) make it unlikely we’ll regularly do more than one a month for a while. but you better believe we’ll fit in as much as we can.

    * we’re now at a point where art for gig posters and pictures of the band are a good thing. if you’ve got something you want to share or have us consider, drop me a line. we’re a bit tight on the money just now, but we’d at least want to hang on to things for a future where we can set you up. (that said, i’m really excited for the poster my friend nathan made that we’ll be using for our may show. it’s hot!)

    * have started a song that has the word “varnish” in it a few times. i write like mad, and i clearly like “varnish,” so it’s odd that this is the first time i can recall it coming up. suddenly, i’m wondering if it comes off as silly to use that word multiple times in a song given that it’s the band name. not my deepest pondering yet. heh. just one more reason to have another project someday, so i can use all the lyrics i write, whether or not i think they are right for varnish.

    okay, that ought to make you feel more confident in the lifespan of this little blog. i promise i have a list of topics to address. and i continue to be open to your suggestions. i just have to scrape out a little more time now that life has gotten a bit more on the full side. maybe next time i’ll talk about chilblains, seasonal allergies, and my new motto. (now i’ve put that in my mind, increasing the chances of posting again soon. see how that works?)

    stay safe. keep believing. as bjork would say, “all is full of love.”

    xxx


    📂This entry was posted in news varnish

  • pondering: view from the outside

    Posted on by amber Comment

    2010-01-20

    pondering: view from the outside

    i’ve been thinking a lot lately (and have had a few conversations) about perspective, specifically focused on ways in which we are blind to things and on how others see us. because the latter of those topics occasionally turns to talking about what it will be like when i achieve my rockstar dreams, because i’m hoping to post here a couple times a month instead of sporadically, and because this is a more interesting topic in my head right now than the post i was considering on playlists….welcome to post two of january 2010.

    ah, our own blindness. the fact is, none of us see anything with complete clarity. our perspectives are influenced by what we want to see, by what we don’t want to see, by what has happened in our past, by what others say about a thing (either because we want to accept their words or because we are reacting against those words), and so forth. and that’s in addition to things like being unable to actually be in another person’s head or heart, unable to feel what their own history and circumstances are doing to change their perspective. we are all blind in spots. as you might imagine, because i am a big fan of truth and clarity, i hate that. i really do work to see clearly. and even when i don’t like what i see, i’m grateful for things that help that.

    admittedly, i am also wildly frustrated by those who opt for blindness. i understand why people do it. i really do. it can be easier, it can make life more exciting (for instance, when you let yourself get caught up in the drama of a thing instead of looking at the calmer truth or the “run away” truth), it can let you not take actions you dread, it can allow you to fit in more easily with others, and so forth. so i’m not without compassion. but, wow, my love of truth and my desire to see are so great that i cannot understand on more than a basic, intellectual level. a conversation about this prompted me to post on my twitter the query: “do you want to see? are you willing to see, even if it’s not all pleasant? and, if not, why not?” because i really wonder…

    my aversion to blindness also makes me really appreciate the good people in my life. i try to surround myself with people who won’t let me get away with things or stay blind. i have an amazing best friend who calls me on it if he perceives i’m out of line or not seeing correctly. i have great kith who will tell me if i’ve said something stupid. i have kin who will question my perspective if they think i’m off. i have friends who will laughingly tell me when they think i’m not seeing clearly. i’ve figured out who the “yes men” are, who the people are that are just trying not to cause waves or who are trying to curry favour by just being complimentary. i understand why people do that, even if it goes against my nature, so i can care for them…but it doesn’t mean i want them close or i trust them for gaining perspective. (of course, part of the magic of the good people in my life is they manage to be assertive without coming across as hurtful or jerks. i scored!)

    the other side of this whole pondering is how others see us. people who’ve known us a long time have their perspectives of us influenced by that history. this can be good or bad. i know one bump in the road as i’ve tried to become a better person is running up against someone’s perspective that’s based on a less “refined” version of me. they expect of me and treat me as that old version. on the other hand, sometimes those people are the ones who can clearly see how far i’ve come and really celebrate it with me. good and bad. my personal “action item” here is to try to be more mindful of how people have changed, rather than focused on whom they were.

    there are also those whose perspectives are influenced by the fact that they know or focus on only one area of your life. they read all they see of you through that little slice. that always makes me feel like i’m being smashed down from a multi-faceted person into one little fragment. i think it also leads to misunderstanding and hurt that need not happen. action item? remember that, for most every life, i don’t see all the facets. i’ve been doing better at this, which has helped me not take many things personally and helped me have more compassion.

    there are those whose perspectives are influenced by not liking you. it’s a psychological fact that, when you don’t like someone, your brain actually constantly looks for proof that they’re bad. it’s your brain’s way of trying to make you feel okay about not liking them. crazy, non? so, they don’t like you. which means everything is seen through a sort of twisted view and with a desire to see what’s wrong with you. ouch. action item? accept that not everyone will like me and don’t build my perspective of self on the perspectives of people who don’t like me. trust that those i love will both give me more credit than those dislikers when they hear the negative side of stories about me and give me honest input if i am out of line. otherwise, let it go. i’ve become a fan of letting things go. and, of course, try to be aware of areas in which my perspective is influenced by dislike so i can fight that.

    (side note: one thing that makes me sad, in my life and others’ lives, about perspectives based on not liking is that you miss goodness. for instance, i have had people i disliked whose acts of kindness were cast in negative light by my own warped perspective until years later. i have watched my own kind actions treated that way by those who didn’t like me. ouch. so i’ve been consciously trying to learn the fine line between knowing when something is a genuine act of kindness and when there are ulterior motives. plus, there’s the nasty inclination to disregard the potential and good in those we dislike. i don’t have to love those who aren’t good to me, but i feel like we do an injustice when we relegate them to a realm of worthlessness, lack of talent, etc just because of that.)

    when this conversation turns to “plus, someday when you’re famous…” aspects, a few more things pop up. like the fact that many people seem to have a sort of delight in watching those with any fame get torn down. my action item? never claim i’m perfect or try to come off as perfect. because, you know, nobody is perfect. and not claiming perfection ought to make it easier to laugh it off when someone hops on a fan forum and trumpets my flaws.

    or the fact that nobody is 100% photogenic. even the people i know who do modelling or photography will tell you it takes loads of shots to get a good one. and there is always going to be some picture of you eating or mid-movement with your eyes half closed and your mouth looking stupid or of you slouching or something. even without fame, facebook now means there are pictures of you out there right now that your friends took and tagged. you look like a dork, no matter how hot you are, and everyone authorised to view your photos can see it. and i’ve seen enough to know that those who want to see you in an unattractive light will do it even if the picture is good, whilst those who want to see you as attractive will be charmed by your imperfect pictures. action item? accept and let go. which i’m sure i’ll have to chant over and over when the enquirer has the picture of me slouching and looking tired with runny makeup after a show. hehehe.

    in the end, my approach is to try to be mindful of what’s affecting my perspective and how i might be blind, to try to react first with compassion so that maybe i can see others more clearly, and to just be my best self as much as i can so that people seeing me from outside are at least building their perspectives on that instead of a lesser me. also, if i try to live with truth and positivity, i honestly believe that can help others see clearly. plus, lots of just letting go. some people will never like me, and that’s okay. some people will never see me clearly, and that’s okay. there are some things i won’t see clearly until i’m dead and outside it all, and that’s frustrating but okay.

    ending with a current favourite quote on truth (thanks, nicole!) and hopes that you’ll see more clearly, that you’ll have the courage to act when that sight shows you ways to make life better, that you’ll surround yourself with those who can help you with this.

    “truth is like the sun. you can shut it out for a time, but it ain’t goin’ away.” ~elvis presley

    xxx


    📂This entry was posted in pondering

  • what was, what will be

    Posted on by amber Comment

    i may be reading amanda palmer’s blog too much, as i’m feeling like sharing a lot. i think this is a naturally thoughtful time of year for many people. we look back on what was, we contemplate what we hope will be. and that’s where i am right now.

    2009
    what a year. good and bad. i think i learned a lot. i think i changed a lot in positive ways. though i look at that change as having brought out facets of me that were always there, that i always wanted to have be my main facets. i made good music. i learned to have love and compassion for even those who are doing me the most hurt. i had priceless moments with my best friend, my family (chosen and biological), and my friends. i saw miracles. i healed relationships i didn’t know were in need. i ate great food. i grieved with loved ones in their hard times, and celebrated in their good times. i slept enough. i got a better grasp on my own needs. i did better at keeping hours that take advantage of my peak creative energy times. i played games (on the computer and on boards, never with heads or hearts). i wrote. i worried. some friends moved far away, and that had some good and some bad. others moved closer, which has been all good so far. it was a full year, not wasted.

    over the last 3 years, i averaged writing lyrics for 3.5 songs per month.

    2010
    to go along with the last note on 2009, i am pleased to see that jason has started the year with more music falling out of his fingers. this is good, as i need my lyric writing to cease to so ridiculously outpace the instrumentals.

    when it comes to looking ahead, i don’t believe in new year’s resolution. i do believe in setting goals. somewhere in the switch between those two concepts lies action. admittedly, the last many years, my goals were all swiftly made impossible or unnecessary by life throwing me changes in the first few months of the year. if that’s what’s in store for this year, i’m keeping my mind full of ways that that could happen and be positive.

    i’m not really done pondering goals yet. because a goal isn’t really set, for me, until i have also laid out a tenable course of action for achieving it. i do know that i am going to work toward monthly shows, getting our cd pressed and into “the right hands,” and making sure that the necessities of bills don’t overwhelm my efforts to move ahead with music. like i said, still pondering. i’m sure there are more things to be added, and not all about music. though they will all be things that go toward the tiny list i just wrote in a notebook of what matters, really, in my life.

    however, there is one thing i am clear on. and i’m saying it here because i feel like it’s important enough that i need to make it a matter of public record. as clear as if i heard the voice of God say, “hey, amber, do this.” and who am i to argue with that?

    over the last while, i have become, i think, a better person. and now it’s time for me to be mindfully engaged in moving ahead with some of that. i talked in a previous post about hope. and i hope those who have read this blog and my other blog have seen that i’m more positively-focused. so, this year, i have an official approach, theme, intent with which i am attacking the road ahead.

    the fact is that i am a person full of hope. and, it appears, a positive person. i have been blessed to go beyond believing certain things to truly knowing them. so i need to act on all that. what do i know?

    i know that the things i want most in life can be mine.

    i know that everyone is of equal worth. it doesn’t mean i like everyone. it doesn’t mean we all have the same abilities, talents, or opportunities. but we are all of equal worth. and the amount of that worth is great. it is. and we all have great potential.

    i know that even the hardest moments can deliver silver linings, hope, reasons to keep pushing ahead. that life can truly be good for anyone, just not in the same ways necessarily as they are for others.

    i know that even small actions have the potential to do great good or ill, and that we deny ourselves happiness and we deny our own potential when we choose actions that we know are hurtful, manipulative, or untrue.

    i know that truth really can set people free. even if it’s hard.

    i know that not every easy, fun, or nice thing is right for us. and that sometimes the hardest steps or the steps we least expected we would take are the ones that lead us to better futures.

    so, this year, without becoming someone who writes crap lyrics and forgets how to rock, i have a new approach to life. or, rather, i am mindfully participating in it.

    it is my intent to help others, including you (yes, you), see their worth. their potential. and not settle for less than they deserve. it is my intent to bring hope and positivity to everyone, even those who hurt me most or stand in the way of what i most want. it doesn’t mean i’ll give up on what i want, but i will continue (because, fortunately, this has already been my intent) to want and, where possible, strive for what i want, without wishing harm on others. without acting with intent to harm. it is my intent to act in ways that are honest, straight-forward, and for good. (again, that’s always been my intent, but i’m recommitting to that and doing so with more of an understanding of how little things can do so much good or so much harm.)

    a tall order, to be sure.
    but i am sincere. i am determined.

    in fact, as i heard this call strongly and deeply today, it included specifically a desire to bring hope to those doing me the most hurt. i have no idea how to do that, but it’s a desire that is truly burning in me.

    it doesn’t mean i’m going to be everyone’s friend. (though i’m happy to say that i stopped hating years ago and that i never act with intent to be an enemy.)
    it doesn’t mean i’m going to be a fool and forget to be careful, or let anyone get away with hurting my loved ones or be okay with you hurting each other.
    it doesn’t mean i won’t write songs that let me get out the inevitable hurts, disappointment, and such that life brings.
    it doesn’t mean i’ll succeed every moment.

    but there it is.

    a number of people called me “star” as a teenager.
    and some folks have taken that up again the last few years.
    and, bless my cheesy little heart, but i really do hope i can be a light in the dark.
    to shine through the hurt, the lies you tell yourself, the lies others tell you, the manipulations, the doubts, the many things that cloud your sight.
    that cause you to settle.
    that cause you to allow others to treat you in ways other than you deserve.
    the fears that hold you back from letting go, from pursuing, from holding on.

    i wish i could blame this entry on drink, as i fear i’ve exposed quite a lot of myself. and maybe ruined my hardcase rockstar image. but i’m sober as can be. and now, we see if i can manage to live up to my intentions this year.

    either way, i hope you know i truly mean it.
    you, specifically you, are valuable.
    full of potential and worth.
    and i truly hope you can make the choices that let you access your best self and have your best possible life.

    happy new year, lovelies.

    love to you via my web cam in the last minutes of the first day of 2010


    📂This entry was posted in inspirations & influences pondering

  • best friend (lyrics hint)

    Posted on by amber Comment

    i know i refuse to explain my lyrics. but this is more a necessary disclaimer.

    just in case the lyrics “best friend” become a song (hey, there are so many lyrics at this point that it is, actually, questionable)….

    i want to be very, very, very clear.
    i want there to be no doubt.

    these lyrics were absolutely not written about johnny.
    not. about. johnny.

    johnny is a protagonist, a good guy, a hero in this story.
    none of us are perfect, but you can bet your soul that this little ditty was not written about him.

    that concludes this little disclaimer. we’ll see if i can’t pull out something meatier, maybe with pictures, for the next one. and soon!


    📂This entry was posted in inspirations & influences lyrics varnish

  • where is my mind?

    Posted on by amber Comment

    i thought it was probably time i did an update on what’s going on with the band and some of my current topics of thought about music and moving ahead. you can keep up with some of this by following varnish on myspace or facebook, and i’ll post much more frequently to the twitter if we get more followers.

    for those who missed it, the big announcement this week was that we’ve found a new drummer. whilst i’m truly sad to have lost ben to academia, i think we’ve found someone cool in aNdi pUzL. it felt right having her behind the drums, so let’s hope my feelings are on target. i really hated trying to work without a drummer. sure, we can set down beats with a machine. but that doesn’t have the same energy or presence. i had never taken ben for granted, but my appreciation of him only increased over the six or so months i beat my head against the drummer hunt. i know you can do rock with a drum machine, but i feel pretty safe in saying i’m always going to want a warm body behind that kit. so, welcome, aNdi. you won’t be taken for granted here.

    and, for all of you, this means that there should be shows again soon. i know that aNdi is working to learn all our songs and to come up with drums for a couple that hadn’t been nailed down yet. now we just need to hope we can get everyone else’s schedules back in synch. i have really missed playing with my boys. (hmz…now that there’s aNdi, i guess it’s not just my boys anymore, is it? that will take some adjusting. but she is kind of half boy, so maybe she’ll forgive my habit of thinking of the rest the band as my boys…)

    the other thing that you might be wondering about is the cd. some complications and changes in people’s lives slowed down the process. i just feel really lucky that we got the drums all down before ben moved. so, in case you haven’t heard it elsewhere:

    • this will be a five-song ep, titled “each to each.” anyone recognise that reference?
    • all of the tracks have been recorded, partly at the famous london bridge studio and part at the soon-to-be-famous soul kitchen studio.
    • mixing is done. (if you’re anywhere near seattle, i recommend mark clem of soul kitchen studio without reservation. part of why i’m eager to move on to the next recording is to work with him again.)
    • we have an appointment set with the engineer we want to use (ed brooks of rfi)
    • i’m still sorting out the cd booklet/art and distribution. unfortunately, loss of my day job has slowed that down. but i’ll work it out

    i was hoping we’d have the cd ready for you in the fall, but life conspired against us. however, we did decide to post the tracks for your listening pleasure on our myspace or facebook. i hope you’ll agree that this has been worth the time, money, and effort. if we get a miracle in the next week or so, i’ll see if we can’t make it available for sale in some way by Christmas.

    which nicely segues into my next topic, which is what i’ve been thinking about as concerns moving ahead with music. i’ve actually been reading quite a bit lately about how social media is helping musicians move ahead and pay bills without having a record company.

    i won’t lie; i want music to pay my bills. i’m not going to compromise my artistic vision to do it. i’m not going to make music i don’t believe in or let my music be used to promote something i don’t like. so, for me, that means i won’t be selling out. but, just like you, i have to pay the bills. and trying to fit in a day job and music on top? yeah, i’m going to do that as long as i have to, but it’s basically like working a couple jobs. and, like you, i’d rather not have to do that. so that means that i do keep an eye on ways to let my music pay bills.

    someone once asked whether my goal was to make music i loved that touched people or to make money and be known. and i responded, “can’t i have both?” it won’t have been a waste if i only get the first, but i wouldn’t mind giving up the corporate rat race and being able to give all those hours to music instead. to know that the money i pay the mortgage with came from doing something i love and believe in.

    so, how to do that…

    the old model, of course, is that we work like crazy, hope a record company finds us and gives us a contract, and then spend our lives playing that game. in case you don’t know how that game goes, you get money from the record company. you use that money to record, set up the tour, whatever….and then you don’t tend to see any more money until you’ve made that amount via sales and such. basically, you’re living on a loan. and i hate being in debt. (which isn’t to say i wouldn’t go this route. i’ve just not got the rosy perspective on it i did as a kid.)

    but new models are emerging. there are quite a few of them, and most of them take advantage of this lovely internet we’re all using. your fans follow you on myspace, facebook, twitter, your blog. they buy your music online, whether as downloads or ordering a physical cd. maybe they subscribe to some plan where you send them a song a month. you connect with your fans in a more personal way, until you get so huge it can’t be done, via the conversations you can have on all those online spaces. and you hope your fans then use email or chat programs or whatever to send links to their friends who might like you. and the love grows. i even think that (and i know some of you will blast me for this) people downloading for free can help. granted, at this point, i’d love to see a little money for every song of mine you have a copy of. my spreadsheet of band expenses versus band income still shows that i have spent thousands more than i’ve earned. but i do know that there are bands i’ve decided to love and follow because i got sent an mp3 by a friend who thought i’d dig them.

    so, we’ve got good songs up. we’re making more good songs. i’m pondering how to get that music into more ears. how to create a relationship and community with all of you that is mutually beneficial and, hopefully, includes me paying some bills. because, honestly, if i can pay bills with music, i don’t have to do a day job. which means i have more time to make music. which means i can make more music available to you. i’m not just trying to sell you on this; i’m sincere. i say this as a huge music lover. i honestly can’t imagine having survived certain things in my life without music. if someone hadn’t made sure that bands i loved were paying the bills and making music, so that their songs could get to me? yeah, i really, truly might not be alive now. and i’d say that thinking my music could do that is vain, except that i have emails and messages where a few people have, in fact, told me how one or the other of our songs has gotten them through things.

    and really, there’s a lot of music to be made. at the time i write this, i have lyrics for 125 songs. all written in the last 35 months since i started writing again. (have i talked about why the writing stopped? basically, i was on birth control pills for a while. and one of the things that got put into a coma–i always say killed, but it clearly didn’t die–was my creativity. horrible. i look at notebooks from that time…well, the notebook. i went from writing like mad to eking out only one or two things over the course of years. ugh.) so, yes, loads of songs to be made. i fear i’ll never have the chance to let all the good lyrics, much less the mediocre ones, become songs you can hear. varnish are working as fast as we can, but we only have so much time.

    which means i have also been looking into side projects (so far, all single song things, not second bands). it’s a bit mad, really, because that’s just adding one more thing to my schedule. the options i have are moving ahead far too slowly because of that. complicated by the fact that most my current options are in other countries. fortunately, technology will help us work around that a bit. i’ve got one song done with a lovely mate, and i really just dig that we could do it all online and on our computers. that’s going to have to do until i can afford to build a recording space in this house (or afford more hours in the studio) and get people to fly out here. though i am also looking at local options. i have one idea that will involve working with different people for each song, and that includes some local victims.

    i mentioned community in terms of artist and fans. but i’ve also, as i look at side projects, been thinking of artistic community. those of you who follow me other places online have probably noticed that i make note whenever johnny’s main band, post adolescence, are playing a show. that’s one perk of treating other musicians and artists as community. yeah, johnny is my best friend, so that’s a bit different. but i think if we get to know each other and if we support and promote each other, we all win. i think it also opens opportunities to try out side projects. to expand our repertoire. to meet other sorts of artists and learn the other artistic talents of the musicians we know. i’m not just about community with other musicians, by the way. i really think we are all improved by exposure to other kinds of art. and, at least from my perspective as a musician, i’m going to need to have other sorts of artists to take pictures, design covers and merchandise, and so forth if i’m going to do all i want.

    i tend to be a solo sort of person. i love my alone time. i don’t need lots of social interaction to be happy. varnish have made good music without community. and there’s a part of me that loves that sort of path in a theoretical way. but now i’m looking around and pondering…i know lots of talented people. musicians, writers, jewellery makers, painters, digital artists, dancers, and so forth. i’d love to see us lift each other. see how we can inspire each other. (i have a song i wrote after discussing a piece of jewellery with my talented friend birna, for example. so i never know where i’m going to find words.)

    so, there’s the update on where the band is and where my head is. i’d love to have you join us places online. i’d love to hear your thoughts on community, either with fans or other artists, and other things i’ve brought up here. i’d love to know what you think of the songs. love love love.


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  • truth in music

    Posted on by amber 2 Comments

    a quick one. a small thought or two. though i’m also mentally composing a longer post on the state of the band and such (good things).

    i’ve been thinking about music as a vehicle for truths we can’t tell.

    anyone who knows me can tell you that, in general, i will say what i think. i’ll try to be tactful and polite. but i am blunt and can be honest to a fault. if you have food in your teeth, i’m going to tell you. i won’t accost you on the street, but if you’re my friend, i’ll let you know that the trousers you’re wearing aren’t doing you any favours. if i am attracted to you or have feelings for you, i’m going to tell you. probably. i don’t hide my opinions or tastes in order to ease social situations or make it easier to be my friend. i won’t be pushy or mean, but i like what i like and believe what i believe.

    that said…

    every now and again, i run across situations where i can’t speak the things i see as truth. i can’t point out a problem, because it would only lead to more problems and drama instead of resolutions. i don’t confess a feeling because, sometimes, i think it would do more harm than good. i pass through some sort of intense unpleasant emotion and i hesitate to reach out to my friends (sometimes even to my very best friend) because it’s just so heavy and i am just waiting for it to pass. and sometimes i don’t think people would believe me, so i can’t see wasting my breath and dealing with the frustration of being doubted over things good or ill. it’s very, very rare. and i hate it when it happens. but sometimes even i just don’t say things.

    and that’s when i feel amazing gratitude that i write. i pour things into songs. i cram the hurt and the sorrow, or the love and the hope, into lyrics. i have even written a straight up love song. (i swear, i tried to put something negative into it, because i couldn’t believe what i was doing. but it felt wrong. so, yeah, love song. and i rather like it a lot, thanks.) it doesn’t solve anything, really. the people hurting me are still hurting me. the moods still hit me. reality is still likely unbelievable. the love doesn’t go away or magically get requited. but i have told my truth.

    and if there’s anything i believe in, it’s truth. and that the truth will out. and that truth ought to be known, not hidden.

    someday, the hurts will pass away. they always do. and hopefully the compassion and love will stay (and maybe even be returned). and then i’ll still have lyrics, and maybe that’s the most good these truths can do me sometimes…

    stay true, lovelies.
    it’s not worth it to put more lies, deceit, and their ilk into the world.

    ps because i like posts with pictures, here i am on halloween. maybe you can’t see it, but i’m a moonage daydream if you’re old school or a scifi lullaby if you’re middle school. or just another spacegirl if you’re too new school to care about what came before. (i’ll try to sort out more on-topic pictures from now on….)
    spacegirl


    📂This entry was posted in inspirations & influences lyrics

  • manic monday

    Posted on by amber Comment

    it’s 13 october. yes, it has taken me three weeks to finally post, and it’s likely to be less than what i intended because i am feeling a bit silly over what a fangirl i am. so i’ll start with a picture. (i ought to have more of those anyway.)

    monday, 21 september, 2009: this is johnny (my bff, bassist for varnish, and frontman for the amazing post adolescence) and me meeting nicky wire, the bassist (who said we had to be quick with the picture, as he didn’t have all his makeup on). yeah, we’re both failing to look cool as we meet one of our idols.

    amber and johnny with nicky wire of manic street preachers

    after years of not getting to see them, the best friend ever (that’s johnny) and i got to see the manic street preachers live. finally! (other folks were also there with us, but they were either just along for the ride or they are folks who just like manics as opposed to being, say, johnny and amber the squealing giddy fantards.) i’d say we both classify this as a huge life event. the manics have been, for both of us, important personally and musically. someday, you can ask him how this applies to him. for now, i’m going to talk about me. as usual.

    originally, this post was a placeholder so that i couldn’t forget to write a real post. included in that original post were the following:

    for now, however, i am going to try to keep my unusually-excited little self from bouncing off the planet before the show. and, can i say: eeeeeeeeeeee!

    ps i love the manics. could ya tell?

    pps will get to this post. i will. but got in late and too giddy to sit still.

    i’m not usually a giggling fangirl about anyone or anything. so you know the band is huge to me when even just getting a picture in front of their tour bus (i didn’t know i was going to get to meet one of the boys) had me grinning as widely as i’ve ever grinned and being ever-so-spastic. you know they are huge to me when i throw caution to the wind and don’t protect my ears and sing and scream so much that i lose my voice. yeah, huge.

    so huge that i kept them as a sort of secret musical love from someone i loved after that someone had taken the piss about the other band i love as much. (though the love may have shifted so that it’s manics on top now, which makes me even happier i didn’t share them.) it felt like protecting them when i did it. which may sound silly to you, but if you’ve ever had music that kept you alive, maybe you understand.

    on a personal level, the manics were just what i needed from music. they weren’t all anger or all depression or all politics or all love songs (or, rather, unrequited love songs). they were a mix. even though i’ve always been told i had a way with words, they were writing things that i was having no luck saying. especially richey (poor, lost richey; how i miss him). and i can’t tell you the times when i used their lyrics as encouragement or to remind myself that people who felt like i was feeling could make it. (poor, lost richey…almost ruined that last part for me. but i’m too sad over him to be mad about that.)

    musically, they showed me that you could write about politics without sounding smug, fake, pretentious, or uselessly angry. they’re smart boys who wrote good rock songs, so i knew that you could bring in literary references and the like and not sound, again, smug or fake. not sound pretentious. still sound like a rock song. and, like many of my top bands/musicians, every song and every album didn’t sound the same. there was some variation. that really helped my belief that you ought to just write what’s in you, in terms of both lyrics and music, and not worry about whether you’re sticking to “your sound.”

    i think one reason their songs continue to speak to me, even when things aren’t as broken in my life as they were (though they are definitely my answer when times feel unbearably hard) is that they talked about things that i think about every day. they talk about the state of the world, which is mainly not great. they talk a lot about honesty and deception. and since this world is so full of people who are not being themselves, either for fear of rejection or to try to get and keep love or to try to get power and money, that’s always relevant.

    plus, much like amanda palmer did last fall, they reminded me of the value of being good to your fans. it would not be unreasonable for them to try to keep contact with us raving loons short. before the show, i can see wanting space to keep from spending your energy. and if you haven’t got makeup on yet, definitely wouldn’t want to stop for photos. after the show, though there’s a definite high from performing, i could see wanting to get right back to the bus to ice down shoulders (we saw nicky doing that later) and just relax (because the high fades, and then you’re exhausted). instead, they stopped to talk before and after. as you can see, nicky let us take a picture when his makeup wasn’t done. and that made a night that would already have been awesome into a night that was bloody unbelievable. seriously. i was bouncing off the walls for days.

    i’m sure it will come back to bite me, but i hope i can have that sort of connection with fans. i know it’s harder, if not impossible, to safely do when you have huge crowds of fans. easier when it’s a mid-size or small venue. but if it’s manageable, i’m going to try to at least give a few minutes. to not take myself so seriously that i hide my face if it’s not fully made up (i hope the fans and press will be kind about that). to make sure that people who listen to my music know that i truly do appreciate them.

    now, i need to take care of a thing or two before i get to bed. next post will either be an update on varnish and other musical projects in my life or a post with my thoughts on what artists “owe” fans and good fan etiquette. we’ll see. until then, sleep well, love hard, and turn your pain into art.

    ps post title shameless stolen from johnny, whom i think is the funniest person there is. 🙂


    📂This entry was posted in inspirations & influences