text: amber bird
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Not Ashamed: Violently Angry

If you haven't already, please read the introduction post. That will give you context for this page.


I'd love to say that I no longer struggle with being violently angry, but at least it's rarer. And, at this point, I think I can pinpoint some of the causes. Not all, but some.

I'm pretty sure that, sometimes, this is related to be having some serious sensory or emotional overload. (Which ties back to some of the issues that come with my autism.)

I'm pretty sure that, sometimes, this is related to me having a manic swing.

I'm pretty sure that, sometimes, this is related to hormonal shifts.

But there are also times when I can't figure out the cause or the trigger. Sure, I can point to the thing that someone else said or did (or to the malfunctioning inanimate object), but it won't make sense to me why it has sparked the level of anger it has.

Futurama: Professor is pacing in a dome. Text: If anyone needs me, I'll be in the Angry Dome.
I'm going to have one of these when I get filthy rich.

Again, it's rare-ish these days, relatively speaking. Not like when I was at uni and had to keep a box in the corner of the room just for me to kick to bits. I used to replace that box weekly--at least--after I'd kicked it so much that it was no longer structurally-sound enough to give me any satisfaction.

These days, the emotion itself is rarer and I'm much better at suppressing it until I find an appropriate release (or until it seeps out into my dreams...which is actually just the worst, so I usually find another answer quickly).

One of my favourite anger-related factoids, which I must have shared before: I read in a psychology journal that anger is a secondary emotion. When you feel anger, it's there to cover a more vulnerable emotion. The start of me gaining control of my anger was that article. I'd get the anger and I'd make myself stop until I could find the cause. What raw, more vulnerable thing was I really feeling? Disappointment? Frustration? Fear? Failure? And even if it was something that I can now pin on, for instance, the way my autistic brain is wired, it helped.

Since realising how important solitude is to me, I've also cut down on it. Partly, I believe, that's helped cut down on the times I'm over-stimulated. Partly, it's probably because there are fewer things to set me off when I'm alone.

I don't like shouting, and have pretty much managed to avoid that most the time. And I really am a fan of peace, so have done what I could to keep my anger--when it manifests as a physical urge--aimed at myself or at inanimate objects.

But, really, I'm just trying to keep from going there. And, when I feel it coming on, to keep from escalating. I'm not ashamed that I feel violently angry sometimes, and I try not to do anything when it hits that will leave me feeling ashamed for other reasons.

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